Anchors, Signposts, & Wanderings

Dear Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-12-05T22:45:00.002-06:00

Today is the anniversary of the day I told someone I love very much that she was dying of cancer. She didn't understand the words the doctors used to say there was nothing more they could do, so it fell to me to explain it to her. Three months later, she did die.
Today is also the second anniversary of my own diagnosis of cancer. One year after I told that very special person that cancer would take her life I was diagnosed with it myself. While I have many supportive friends and family around me, it's hard for me to talk about my experiences. Today I especially felt it would be difficult to explain the complex emotions I'm feeling, and to be understood. If you didn't know the person I lost, it's hard to really know what it was like.
Today also happens to be the first time I heard the song "Heaven Is The Face."
I am amazed at the courage and strength it took to write and share this song. To mourn a loss so painful robs most people, including myself, of the energy and ability to even interact meaningfully with others.
After I listened to this song, I felt listened to. I wish you could grasp a sense of how I was really listening to you too.
Just thought you should know.

The Weekend Blogger

2009-11-29T22:00:00.002-06:00

Around this time of year I start thinking about plans and goals for next year. I try to take a look at what worked and what didn't work over the past year. You know, keep what works and chuck the rest.
I haven't gotten very far, but these are some of the adjustments I am contemplating.

Continuing the blog on a reduced, weekends only schedule.
Building my own intensive topical bible study for the coming year.
Experimenting with schedules and strategies that keep my energy level in balance (minor adjustments such as what time I exercise or take a bath seem to strongly influence fatigue and nausea).
I'm still on the fence about writing, but I think I have determined that I will do some significant writing about writing and see where it takes me.
Normally I dislike the strict "do this every day" type of goal. However, I think I'd like to follow what is something of a mantra in the creative/arts world. "Do something creative every day."

What about you? Any goals or plans for the coming year?

Winter Reading List

2009-11-15T19:31:00.003-06:00

Usually as summer approaches, there is quite a buzz about what folks are putting on their summer reading list. I wonder if the tradition stems from the days when it was much more popular to lay out in the sun all day to work on your tan. As a person who burns at the mere mention of the sun, that trend never caught on with me. For me, summers are more interactive, whether I am interacting with friends and family at a party, or interacting with store clerks as I browse up and down the block, or even interacting with a good movie. (Now there's a summer trend I like: the great movies).
Back to the approaching winter. Once the holidays are over we still need to get through January and February. Cuddling up with a good book might be as close to hibernation as we can get. Between the physical complications of mixing snow and ice with getting around on crutches, and the cold, decreased daylight, and my own decreased energy, I am hardly out and about during the winter.
Enter the winter reading list. It just so happens that right at the beginning of December my local library has a used book sale. Twenty dollars lands me more books than I can read in a year, let alone a season.
This year, I have quite a few classics on my list. Jane Austin, CS Lewis, maybe even some Tolstoy, or Dante's Inferno. I also hope to get to a few more contemporary pieces, Like Running with Scissors, The Year of Magical Thinking, and I Know This Much Is True.
What's on your winter reading list?

Brave People Make Things

2009-11-07T20:08:00.004-06:00

My friend Dianne borrowed this from another blog and I decided to take on the challenge myself.
Will you be brave enough to take on the challenge?

Because 2010 is so near, I am changing the timeline.

The first five (5) people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.

2. What I create will be just for you, with love.

3. It’ll be done this year (2009). EDITED: It will be done by May 1st, 2010

4. I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that’s for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something strange.

6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to your blog post.

7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you.

Good luck!

Reformation Day

2009-10-31T23:44:00.002-05:00

The plan was to take a few weeks off of blogging at the end of the summer. Things rarely go according to plan. I decided to return to blogging today for a couple of reasons. The theme of reformation has been bouncing around in my brain and I think it lends itself quite nicely to renewing a practice I have found helpful and making the adjustments needed in my schedule to create the room to do so. And speaking of making time, today also just happens to be the day we turn our clocks back to gain an hour.
The time change was the subject in my creative writing group this week. One member of the group said she was going to use her extra hour to write to her family and let them know how much she appreciates them. I like this idea because it took a minor observation and added a practice that turned it into a real holiday, a time for reflection and celebration.
So I am using my extra hour to resume blogging, as well as a few other creative pursuits I'll tell you more about in the next few weeks.

IL Budget Crisis

2009-07-04T19:32:00.004-05:00

Today our nation celebrates its Independence. For many people in the state of Illinois, this celebration is bittersweet. The IL legislature has failed to balance the state budget. Some would say that it's good that the proposed cuts to social services were not enacted; hopeful that a belated resolution to the problem will come to pass. Unfortunately, for many of the state funded social service agencies, this resolution will come too late. Programs that serve women, children, the abused, and people with mental illness as well as physical and mental disabilities have already begun to close. With no funding source, these non-profit programs simply cannot function.
Ironic isn't it? On this Independence Day, many of us social service providers are wondering how to tell our clients that we can no longer support their goal of living as independently as possible. Oh, and did I mention that the aforementioned legislature, immediately after failing to balance the budget, voted themselves a two week vacation? They return to session the day before many checks that state programs try to cash will bounce.
I teach my clients that independence is connected to responsibility, maturity, and integrity. What am I supposed to tell them when our leaders take part in manipulative "negotiations" and vote themselves raises and expense free retirement plans, instead of cutting pork barrel spending?
I teach my clients that budgeting requires sound judgement and priorities. I live by these rules myself. I pay for my housing and chemotherapy before I decide how many times I can go out to the movies, or how many magazines and books I can indulge in each month. What do I tell my clients about a government that pays for designer "Welcome" neighborhood signs before it makes sure its citizens are fed, housed, educated, and medically cared for?
Please visit Save Our Services and help if you can.

"If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich." JFK 1.20.61

Alaska in 5,000 Words

2009-06-27T12:35:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday

2009-06-18T00:53:00.002-05:00

If I would have known then what I know now, I would not change a thing. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I've come to learn that while there is no limit to the amount of suffering one may endure, this is a limit to how long some will stay by your side in response to that suffering. That never occurred to me when I was with you. I could never have limited our relationship when your pain was so limitless. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I would have stayed for more if it meant you could have stayed for more. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I would have stayed up with you all night.
I would have loved you anyway.
I wonder if you ever knew that?

I miss you.

Offertory

2009-05-31T21:40:00.001-05:00

Create in me a clean heart, O God;
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence;
and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;
and uphold me with thy free spirit.
(Psalm 51:10-12)

Aslan Is On The Move

2009-05-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Changing Media

2009-05-24T20:17:00.004-05:00

I use Google Reader to keep up with all the blogs I like to read on a regular basis. I love how easy it is even to catch up even when miss a few days. One of the things I've noticed is that it has drastically cut down on the number of comments I leave for my fellow bloggers. The extra click-throughs pull me away from my main reading page, and I always mean to get back to leaving the comments, I just never do. Obviously, I've yet to find a solution to this problem other than to stop being so lazy.
On another note, I recently heard that a few more Christian magazines are set to cease publication. Periodicals are fast disappearing from the market. They just can't compete with the Internet in terms of cost effectiveness and accessibility. I just can't help but think of the value that I'm losing though. I reference magazines all the time and reread material all the time. Even if articles are archived online, I'm hardly going to get out of bed to look it up when my evening devotional or book triggers an association. Disappointing.
As if I wasn't feeling old enough, this weekend I've been trying to decipher applications for Twitter and all the features of GIMP. I was part of the original computer generation, but I feel like I'm falling further and further behind.

Significance

2009-05-20T20:10:00.003-05:00

I had a great philosophical conversation today. We were discussing the topic of significance vs. insignificance. As an aside, one of my favorite things about this discussion is that it sprang from a question about the distinction between "nerd" and "geek." Look it up, if you don't know. But I digress.
One person commented that he felt like a nerd in school when he raised his hand to answer questions. Actually, the term "nerd" refers to an "insignificant" person. Wisely, another member of our group commented that supplying answers and contributing to the class knowledge and discussion is quite the opposite of insignificant.
This led to further analysis of how significance is determined. Society may believe you need to have an "other" to be significant. I think I am significant in and of myself. Is it what you do that makes you significant? Is it what you are good at? Or is it who you are? Or is it something else? Can you believe you are significant even if others do not? How? Why?
These are the things we discuss over lunch.

Cultivate

2009-05-18T21:55:00.002-05:00

Something about this time of year leads my thoughts in the direction of growth and change. Call it a spring cleaning kind of thing. It happens to be a convenient time to look back on the goals I set at the beginning of the year and evaluate how I'm doing. This year, the word I picked to focus on happens to be cultivate.
So rather than emphasize how many pounds I have or haven't lost or how many words I have or haven't written, I'm reflecting more on theme. It's pleasant how God pointed me towards a word that holds such deep significance throughout the seasons and especially at this time of year. How am I doing at cultivating peace, hope, and other positive attributes in my life?
What do you wish to cultivate in your life? What do the seeds look like? What soil does it grow best in? How do you feed and care for it?

Share Joy

2009-05-13T22:46:00.002-05:00

This week vocation has been a hot topic among the clients I work with. Many are not employed and given the current economy they are experiencing even less hope of finding any job, let alone one that they would enjoy. So we talked about what the ideal job would look like. After the initial fantasies about six figure paychecks, expense accounts, and 3 hour lunch breaks, one person hit on something. He said he wished he could sing because so many songs have deep meaning to a lot of people and he longs to bring joy to that many people.
So we brainstormed some viable ways to accomplish the goal of sharing joy without having to be discovered and sign a record deal. What about delivering flowers? Or being a porter at the airport? Or volunteering at a nursing home?
We spend a lot of time thinking about how happy we are in our jobs. Perhaps sometimes this is because we are in a job that truly is not a good fit. My dad is a paramedic. It's fulfilling for him to be able to help people. It would give me a panic attack to have to stick a needle in some one's arm. But what about the less dramatic examples? Maybe retail or custodial or secretarial work isn't your ideal job, but it's where you are at now. How can you use where you are to bring joy to others? Try it and I bet you might just bring some joy to yourself as well.

More Quotes

2009-05-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

I found these quotes from friends and other sources over the last few days. I always love a good quote to ponder.

The willow knows what the storm does not; that the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it. Anonymous

Why must conversions always come so late? Why do people always apologize to corpses? David Brin

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb trees it will spend the rest of its life believing it is stupid. Anonymous.

The 300

2009-05-05T20:26:00.003-05:00

This is my 300th post. What to talk about today? There probably wouldn't be much point in complaining about the fluish thing that has me feeling yucky. While it may or may not be entertaining to read a list of things that irritate me when I don't feel well (like walkie talkie phones and other sources of noise pollution) I just don't think focusing on that sort of thing would help me feel any better.
Reaching a milestone like 300 posts kind of makes me want to wax philosophical about what I've accomplished since I started this blog as well as how things have changed and how things have stayed the same. I'm just not sure I could put words to that in a way that would give it justice right now.
So inevitably I turn to thinking about the next 300 posts. I've been fairly consistent in posting, but there's always room for improvement. I'd like to share some more art on my blog in the future. I'm thinking about changing the look of the blog, maybe going with a custom design. I'd also like to more intentional about connecting with other bloggers and leaving comments about what they write. What would you like to see in future posts?

A New Quote

2009-05-01T22:35:00.003-05:00

"What is to give light must endure burning."
Viktor Frankl

The Soloist

2009-04-28T22:40:00.004-05:00

I saw The Soloist over the weekend. I don't want to spoil the movie, but I really enjoyed the way it focused on the relationship between the two characters. It could have easily stereotyped mental illness or used the film as a political soapbox around medication or homelessness. While these issues came up, the central message was one of the power of choice and the power of relationship.
I also happen to enjoy the way the craft of writing was woven into the story. A journalist comes upon the main character and moves from seeing him as a "story" in the distant, objective sense to investing in his story and becoming part of it.
Stories are central to who we are. Each of us has a story to tell. Even the homeless guy asking for spare change. Even the waiter who is extra nice or extra unkind to you. Even the jerk who cut you off on this morning's commute.
Maybe one of the things I like about movies like this and Stranger Than Fiction is that it blends two of my passions. Words and people. The ability to share our stories is healing. It is what builds relationships.

Brain Dump

2009-04-20T22:00:00.003-05:00

Here's a random list of 10 things going on in my brain and my life right now, just for fun:

I just got back from a week long workshop on mental health and wellness. Once I process all the information, I'll post more on it.
I need to update my Etsy site.
I have the hiccups.
Katerina loves her Easter present, a feather, rattan,and catnip concoction she can't stop batting all over the place.
It's supposed to snow tonight and be in the 80's by Friday.
I have over 650 emails and I'm feeling peer pressure to get my inbox down to zero.
I really, really need to get some quality art time in to my schedule this week.
I wish I understood Twitter better. I don't think I use it effectively at all.
Every time I plan to walk to the gym, it rains.
I'm finishing up my study of Job and moving on to a devotional series on Joshua.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T21:31:00.001-05:00

What I Gave Up For Lent

2009-04-08T22:13:00.002-05:00

Lutherans do not traditionally practice giving up something for Lent, but I and many of my fellow Lutheran friends do so anyway. I've given up a variety of things over the years, everything from TV to chocolate to bad language. I've given up other things during Lent, like the time I let go of someone I loved very much when she died of cancer during Lent.
This year it was really difficult to determine what God would have me give up. As I've mentioned, life is not easy for me these days. While there was a time when I grew spiritually by giving up one of life's little pleasures for a little while, I just don't think God is calling me to give up sources of relaxation, comfort, and support at this time. Yes, there probably still would be benefits to giving up various foods or forms of technology. Right now I need to believe that to eliminate that which makes me laugh, smile, or feel encouraged would be to reject the very gifts God is offering me.
When I came to that conclusion, it was as if a window to heaven had opened. I decided to give up hopelessness and discouragement for Lent. And you know what? It actually worked. Life is still hard, and I still get stressed and overwhelmed. But despair has lost much of the hold it had over me since I decided to give it up.
Now, along with this theme, I'd like you to go to this site and listen to a song by John Waller that speaks to exactly what I'm talking about. You'll have to scroll down to the song called "Our God Reigns Here." I really hope you listen to the song. Leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it. This means you.

Holy Week

2009-04-06T22:10:00.003-05:00

The last few weeks have been challenging, so I took some much needed time off from a few things, including blogging. I will be at a conference next week and I will likely be too busy and too tired to blog then.
So what do I have to talk about during this Holy Week? It always seems that my words are insufficient to describe my experience of the week we commemorate the passion of our Lord. It's a very contemplative, introspective time for me. It's also hard to articulate my thoughts. Yet each year, God teaches me something new and different about some element of the events of Holy Week.
Our sermon on Sunday focused on how Mary did a "beautiful thing" by anointing Jesus with expensive perfume. She was not aware of the events to come, nor could she have stopped them if she knew, but "she did what she could" to show her love for Jesus. Hers was a radical expression of faith and devotion as Jesus approached what He knew would be terrible agony and suffering. In short order, Jesus' friends betrayed, denied, and abandoned Him. Even His Father forsook Him for a time so we would never have to know the pain of that separation.
I know that when people are powerless to change my own painful circumstances it means something when they choose to "do what they can," even at their own expense. Some people find it difficult to stick around during the hard times. It's easy to love and call someone your friend during the good times. Real commitment is needed when the going gets tough.
I wonder if Christ thought of Mary's act of devotion while He was on the cross. I wonder if she ever knew how much she really did.

Choreographed Kitties

2009-03-18T20:42:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling a little puny tonight, so Happy Fun Night is going to mean turning in early. I didn't want to post another video so soon, but I also didn't want to go to bed without posting something. Since I needed a smile, I searched "funny" and "cats" was the 1st suggestion that came up. I am amazed at how choreographed these little guys are. :):)
Boy I wish blogger had smileys.

What Bernie Should Do

2009-03-16T21:39:00.003-05:00

I normally do not write about business or political things on my blog. However, today I started working up a head of steam about something and I figured I'd share.
Bernie Madoff was not content with the vast sums of money he earned in his very successful position. So he stole even more money from many, many people who had set that money aside after working for it. The kinds of people he stole from are people who didn't want to be a burden to their kids, or perhaps they were concerned about how long the money would last upon retirement given the overall economy. Maybe they'd planned to travel through their golden years, after decades of hard work.
So why is it that after that this guy has stolen from so many "regular" folks, us "regular" taxpayers are now going to pay more to send him to jail? I don't get it. Granted I don't know everything about the story. I haven't diligently kept up with it, and this sort of thing is not my area of expertise. But here's what I think Bernie Madoff should do.
I think he should go back to work. And I think he should continue to receive his pre-existing salary. However, he's proven he cannot handle the responsibility of his position nor the income he was accustomed to. So, he ought to go back to his huge empire and start at the bottom. In the mail room. Bernie Madoff should be the assistant to the newest, greenest, youngest employee in the mail room. He should have to be the gopher to the gophers.
He should have to go fetch lattes for his "boss" and friends. And when he returns he'd better be sure to count out the coins and state "Here's your change, sir." As for his salary, Bernie himself ought to get a sense of what it's like to live on a fixed income. Perhaps minimum wage, or the Social Security benefits many of his victims will now need to settle for. Under the supervision of an accountant, he should be expected to write weekly checks consisting of the remainder of his salary which would go into a fund to repay his victims.
That's what I think Bernie should do.

Fly

2009-03-13T18:25:00.002-05:00

Be still

Let your hand melt into mine

The part of me

That breathes when you breathe

Is losing time

I can't find the words to say

I'll never say goodbye

And I'll fly with you

Through the night so you know

I'm not letting go

Tears like rain fill up the sky

Oh my love

I'm not letting go

I won't let you go

I saw a host of silent angels

Waiting on their own

Knowing that all the promises

Of faith come alive

When you see home

Hold still and let your

Hand melt into mine

Shed your heart and your breath

And your pain and fly

Now you're alive

I won't let you go

I'm not letting go

Fly, Jars Of Clay