You Might Be a Grown-Up

I recently heard a radio talk show host ask what makes a grown-up. The question came about because many people are waiting until they are older to get married and have children. Many of these same people are apparently defining adulthood as when you settle down, get married, and have children.
As a perpetually single, and therefore childless person, I take exception to this. While many people may want to put off growing up until they have a family, I would like to offer some alternative indicators of impending adulthood.

• If you have gray hair, dry skin, AND zits, you might be a grown-up.
• If you have a mortgage, you might be a grown-up.
• If it's always your turn to do the dishes, pay the bills, and take out the garbage, you might be a grown-up.
• If things you recall from a decade ago happened after you passed your teenage years, you might be a grown-up.
• If snow days, hot summer days, and birthdays are worth acknowledging, but no longer quite worth celebrating, you might be a grown-up.

Poetry

I'm generally not that into poetry, but there are a few poems that I do like. This poem is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. For one thing, I like things with multiple meanings or interpretations. It's going to snow/ice/storm or do other generally unpleasant things tomorrow, and while the essence of this poem for me is deeper than the weather, I thought it was appropriate.

Dream Dust

Langston Hughes

Gather out of star dust

Earth dust, cloud dust,

storm dust,

and splinters of hail,

one handful of dream dust

Not for sale.

A Study In Contrasts

Last night at this time I was doing yoga by Christmas lights. Tonight I'm about ready to throw my computer out the window.
Doesn't it sometimes seem like as soon as you're resolved to do something the inanimate objects of the world align their forces against you and the goal you are committed to?
I've decided to get my stress under control, and the stress goblins got wind of this information. They've attacked my computer, they've given me insomnia. I'm convinced they are responsible for my increased clumsiness (and therefore increased bruising as of late), as well as for the snow in the weather forecast.
On the other hand, this is the time of year when I look at the goals I made back in January. My credit card is paid off. I'm within 5 pounds of where I want to be by the end of the year. I've survived some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad stuff this year.
So what can I say about something as minor as a few technical glitches and a day planner with not very much white space?
It's the little stuff that gets you. That's what I say.

Oh Christmas Tree

If you've read my 100 Things you know that I only have bears on my Christmas tree. You also know there are only three exceptions. If you don't know what they are, I'm not telling.
I just love putting up my tree each year. Now that I have a tree that's actually taller than I am, I do require assistance with the assembly of the tree itself (yes, it's a fake) and the lights. Even though my collection of ornaments is still fairly small, each one has a special meaning. Virtually all of my ornaments were given to me by friends or family. Funny how when people find out you like teddy bear ornaments they tend to pay attention.
There is a set of 2 ornaments that I bought for myself a few years ago. I was on the lookout for a 4th exception to my "bears only" rule. I wanted the perfect periwinkle round glass ornament seeing as how my tree has a notable lack of that style and periwinkle is my favorite color. So on a random shopping trip with a friend I discovered periwinkle, round, glass ornaments. With bears on them!!
Now I don't believe God is into materialism or commercialism, but that day I do believe I heard Him whisper "Hey, see that? I made it just for you."

Weather or Not

The weather around here has been pretty gray and gloomy. Usually a few days of dreary weather will start to bug me. However, I'm not complaining at the moment for a couple of reasons.
First of all, it's supposed to snow tomorrow. Just in time for the travel rush that I will, of course, be stuck in. So I'm going to suck every last minute of enjoyment from the lack of snow that I possibly can. That means cloudy, rainy weather is just fine, thankyouverymuch.
Secondly, it's foggy tonight. I love fog. You know how sometimes weather is just a bummer, but other times it seems to reflect a certain flavor of your mood? My mood can easily get wrapped in fog. Nothing makes me want to curl up with my journal more than a foggy, chilly night.
I have to fight the weather a lot in the winter. On days like today it's kind of nice to just go with it.

Do, Don't, Did

I was going to write about lists today anyway. Then I came across this recent blog of note which has a lot more to say on the subject. As a habitual list maker, I found it quite interesting.
Anyway, I love making my lists, but for various reasons I've become distressed because it's more & more difficult to complete the things on my lists. The more discouraged I get the less likely I am to follow my lists, which creates a horrible cycle.
Somewhere I read about reversing the concept and writing an "I did" list. At the end of the day whatever you accomplished gets to go on this list. If you find yourself at the end of the day marveling at how busy you were while your intended goals remain untouched, this kind of list is for you. It was quite revealing and validating to learn what I was so busy with. Sometimes I get sidetracked with time wasters, but sometimes I get sidetracked with things that are unplanned yet still important to me.
Just last week someone told me about the "not to do list." This is a list of perfectly good things one could easily commit to, but that would divert too much time, energy, and attention from the main things on your real to-do list. In theory, this list could go on forever, but the idea is to think about the kinds of things that tend to spread your resources too thin. Having a hobby is a perfectly good thing, but I need to devote my time to my existing hobbies so I don't go buying new materials that will just sit in the corner collecting dust. So no new hobbies for me for now. Volunteering is a priority for me, but I know if I sign up for another committee, I will have too many meetings to allow me to fully serve any of them adequately. So my "not to do" list includes not signing up for any other long term projects or committees.
I've got to go make my list for the week.

Time Flies

The other day I realized that the last weekend before Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. I know it's cliche, but how did that happen? Each year I seem to observe time differently. Two years ago, I could not wait for Spring because it signaled the end of my internship and the approach of graduation. Last year, as much as I hate Winter, I did not count the days until Spring because someone I loved had a terminal illness and I knew she was seeing her last change of seasons.
This year, I just have no idea where the time has gone. I'm somewhat busier than usual (except for when I was in grad school but that was just a masochistic anomaly). Anyway, each year I put up my Christmas Tree the weekend of Thanksgiving and take it down the weekend after New Year's. I have developed this tradition because if I don't do this at these scheduled times, I may never do one or the other.
Right now, this poses a minor problem because my home needs a little work before it's holiday ready. So I've got to figure out how to make time for all the things I need to do in the next 6 days.

Thursday Randomness

• You may have noticed that I've stopped putting my current read at the bottom of my posts. That's because towards the end of the blog sidebar, I have a Shelfari bookshelf. I recently changed it so it doesn't show graphics; just a list of titles and authors. It's not quite as colorful, but I think I like it better. What do you think?
• Have you ever had a creative idea that's just waiting to be born? I have these wonderful cedar bookboards, leather, and all sorts of decorative stuff I'm collecting to make a book. I can visualize the book, I just have no idea what it is about.
• I'm within 5 pounds of the weight I want to be by the end of the year. That's so close it's scary enough for me to want some ice cream.
• Today someone asked me if I've ever had a 2nd job to supplement the less than abundant income from community mental health. I said I used to be a freelance writer. That's so depressing.
• Last night I was reflecting on how I've been much busier & socially active in the last several months. First, I felt grateful for this because it's helped me through some deep, dark, ugly stuff. Then I scared myself because as it was, things were not fun. How bad would it have been if I didn't have the kind of involvement & support of others that I had???
• I'm so far behind on housework and all that kind of stuff. I've actually thought about hiring a housekeeper, just this once. But I really would have to clean the place before I could have the housekeeper come over.

Extra Time

It's no big secret that I hate winter. Besides the snow, it's cold and dark and dreary. Other than Christmas (and maybe my birthday) I don't find much to enjoy about winter.
This weekend marks one of the 1st signs of the change of seasons. We turn our clocks back an hour. So next week, when I leave my office at the end of the day it will be dark. I hate that.
The upside of this crummy little change is that we get an extra hour tonight. Most of us tend to apply that hour towards sleep. After not getting much sleep last night, I am particularly able to see the wisdom in that plan. But really, this is a whole hour we didn't have before. Sleep deprivation aside, I'm not sure I want this hour to disappear while I'm unconscious.
I don't know exactly what I'll do, but I know that recently many needs and wants in my life have not been given the attention I'd like. So what if I spent that hour doing something I don't normally make the time for? Maybe it'll be those household tasks that pile up. Maybe it'll be something fun, like exploring a new hobby. Either way, I'm glad winter at least has the decency to grant this little gift before it arrives and really starts getting on my nerves.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Have you ever discovered something about yourself that was a complete surprise to you? Sometimes we put forth a lot of effort to make a change in who we are or what we do. Other times, the change occurs without our awareness.
For example, you know those people who workout several times a week? I'm one of them. How weird is that? I'm not sure how it happened. I wish I knew because I'd like to make it happen again if I need to in the future. I've been trying to analyze what led me to this bizarre turn of events, and the truth is I have no idea. I can't connect it to anything else about how I usually behave. But there you go.
And you know that person who is able to prioritize what tasks need her attention? That person who is able to let go of problems that don't belong to her, even when others try to solicit her ownership of the crisis? That person we are all jealous of because she knows she can only do one thing at a time & sometimes needs to say "No?" I think that person might be me. Or at least I think I'm figuring out how to be that person.
Lately, I've also found myself taking some risks with creative activities. I'm less afraid to "waste" art supplies because I don't know what I'm doing or I might make a mistake. I'm not that artsy person who can make something stunning with a couple crayons and some old napkins. I am the person who takes the time to play with the process of art no matter what the outcome is. Because it's fun.
I never used to be any of these people. But as I began to review this past year (and it was a doozy), I realized all these changes have taken place.
What would happen if we could let go of all our predetermined assumptions about who we are and simply be? Who would you be?

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Chances are, you did not need me to tell you that. Most of us have had our lives touched in some way by this disease. I know survivors, and people who narrowly escaped the scary diagnosis because of a routine check-up.
Even if you haven't been personally affected by breast cancer, this month you can hardly avoid hearing about it. The media is doing a wonderful job of reporting the medical advances that have been made in fighting breast cancer. All month, people are walking, running, and donating to contribute to awareness, support, and hope. Pink is everywhere. Survivors share their stories of strength, courage, and second chances.
I think it's so valuable that these positive messages are spread to people who need encouragement. People need to know that there is hope, and that physical, emotional, and spiritual resources are available.
I also know people who didn't survive breast cancer. These people didn't get to see hope come to fruition. The the detection was too late, the advances not soon enough. While we move forward in fighting this disease, it's important to focus on what we can do, the reasons we have to keep holding hope. We also need to remember that breast cancer is deadly. It kills people every day. Those people need to have a voice.

Down Memory Lane

Cris has tagged me yet again with an interesting question, in 3 parts. She got them from Mary at relevantblog, who requested that anyone who picks up this "viral" blog post links back to her.
On to the question.

What were you doing ten, twenty, and thirty years ago?

Ten years ago I had just entered my last year of undergraduate school. As a fifth year senior, I was placed with a freshman roommate. Oh my. At the tender age of 23, this was the first time I felt old.
Around this time, I became part of wonderful group of writing friends through online discussion. We have critiqued, commiserated, and celebrated everything writing related over the years.
By the time I finished this last year in school, I had landed a job as a community mental health therapist and moved out into my first apartment.

Twenty years ago I officially entered my teenage years. My father finally painted my bedroom walls light blue. They had been 70's mustard yellow ever since I could remember. I think I had been asking for the room to be painted on a consistent basis ever since I learned to talk.
This was my last year of Jr. HS. I remember I got perfect scores in vocabulary that year, and above 100% in math because of all the extra credit the teacher made available. That was the last time I ever did well in math. I think I won our school's science fair this year as well. I was a nerd.

Thirty years ago, unbeknownst to me, I was enjoying my last few months as an only child. My brother was born when I was 4 years old. According to my baby book, thirty years ago I'd entered preschool and had begun to master walking. My walking was delayed a bit by the need to get fitted for braces, which had to wait until I'd finished a major growth spurt.
I'm trying to recall some things from this time & I know I have memories that go back this far. I just can't think of any at the moment.

Annoyances

It's the little things that are most likely to send me over the deep end. Really.
I haven't been able to post because of computer problems.
I haven't been able to watch movies because Netflix has been holding out on me and/or sending me damaged discs.
Once a week, I reward myself for working out with a small candy bar from the vending machine at the rec center. The vending machine didn't work today. Let's not talk about the irony of a candy machine at a rec center focused on health & fitness.
Despite working out several times a week, I haven't been able to lose much weight. I refuse to believe the one candy bar a week is a problem.
And, because I've been working out, I have not done much else. I want to make sure I get this into my routine as a priority. So other stuff (like dusting and laundry and blogging) is less of a priority.
Hmmm. It seems the bulk of my problems at this point are caused by working out. Something to think about.

DVD Extras

Over at Little Nuances, Lee recently discussed how he doesn't like to watch the commentaries and extra stuff on DVDs. I can understand his unwillingness to spoil the movie magic. I completely agree with him that the alternate ending of Rocky Balboa was totally unsatisfying. I wish Stallone had never even contemplated filming it that way. But he did.
However, I still find myself drawn to the special features on DVDs. I like hearing about how other artists approach their craft. On the recent live action version of Charlotte's Web, the commentaries gave some wonderful insights into the film. The opening is not the same as it is in the book. Instead, the director researched E.B. White's early writings on the book and selected one of about 17 alternative openings the author himself had considered. The director thought this opening played out better on film. Maybe, maybe not, but I can certainly respect the effort he went to in remaining true to the story.
As for spoiling the movie magic, I've watched the extra stuff on the Lord of the Rings trilogy almost as many times as I've watched the movies themselves. At one point, the commentary delves into how they computer animated some of the horses so the real ones wouldn't get hurt during the intense battle scenes. I suddenly realized that the honest question in my mind was "how did the Nazgul know to only swoop down on the computer generated horses?"
If you know anything about the story, you know the Nazgul are fictional and therefore also computer generated.
I guess the magic is still intact for me.

Top Ten Random Thoughts

• I got a new catalog from Levenger today. I just promised myself I'd stop spending money. I need some more reasons not to get the new fountain pen on the 1st page.
• I also just updated my Shelfari widget. Let me know what you think.
• I just got a new coffee table. Upon placing it in front of my sofa and putting the remote & some coasters on it, my friend Kathe & I sat down to admire it. She said "it needs a bear." She knows me too well.
• I've started working out on the treadmill at the local rec center. I can comfortably walk 1/3 of a mile. My goal is to walk 3 miles by next Mother's Day. It's cheating to move the decimal place, isn't it?
• I asked Kathe if a different color paint would help my ugly kitchen counter. She told me nothing will help the ugly kitchen counter. Good friends are honest like that.
• I recently discovered chocolate covered sunflower seeds. Yum.
• My computer is running really slowly and that is going to impact how much work I get done tonight.
• I know 2 people who are done with their Christmas shopping already.
• It's hard for me to enjoy Fall because it basically just means that winter is coming. But the weather is good for sleeping.
• I'm on the hunt for some good pillar candles and I haven't found anything I like at this point. Good candles are harder to find than I thought.

I've Been Writing

The main reason I haven't written on the blog recently is because I've been caught up in other writerly pursuits. I've been writing an article. An actual article, on a publishable subject. Although, the article has a way to go before it will be publishable.
I've also written some promotional material for our church's Spiritual Gifts program.
The writing group I belong to has been reading and discussing Girl Meets God, by Lauren Winner.
So you see, I've been writing. Just not on the blog. However, I have added a new link or two that you might want to check out. I hope to be adding more soon. Old Fashioned Girl's blog is interesting. I like a lot of her insights. Stop by and take a look.

Some Minor Observations

I meant to post last night. I was all impressed with myself and motivated after last week's streak of 3 posts on the days I actually intended them. Then I had a workshop yesterday on "The Grieving Therapist." So when I got home, I was a bit drained. A little too incoherent to post.
I did want to point out that I learned a few things. In the first place, just because I have a PaperSource near me is no reason to keep me from visiting the PaperSource out in Evanston, because, after all, when do I get out to Evanston? And what if they have something at that store they don't have here? As it turns out, they did have some gel medium I need for a few transfer techniques I've been wanting to try. They also had some ribbon I needed for a gift I'm working on.
Oh, wait, what did I learn at the workshop? Well, it was nice to be in a room with no judgement. No one was saying "gees, it's been 6 months, aren't you better yet? You're supposed to be a therapist you know." I came away with a few tips and tricks for taking care of myself while staying focused on my responsibilities and not backing away from the commitments I've made at work.
Sometimes the validation at this sort of thing is worth the price of admission. We talked about how as women and as therapists, we tend to be, umm, flexible with scheduling time for ourselves. The thing is, when the depletion reaches a critical level it's like a survival reflex kicks in. And suddenly, manicures become a matter of survival. You'd think a manicure lasts about a week, right? That's what I always used to think. But that manicure I gave myself yesterday, that was for yesterday. What about today? I need something for today.
It used to be that if I filled up "the well" I could live on that for a while. This whole idea of daily "me-ness" is driving me up a wall. I'm all for a bit of self indulgence, but I've got stuff to do! Reading, socializing, and manicures have become as essential to my daily routine as showering and eating. Everything I put into the well yesterday has been consumed, evaporated. So even though my nails are just lovely, I need another manicure.

I've Been Interviewed!

My friend Crystal over at the Chat & Chew Cafe has this great series of interviews going called "When I Was Just a Kid." She just posted an interview she did with me. Thanks Crystal!
And hello to all of you new visitors who are likely stopping by as a result of Crystal's interview. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Madeline L'Engle

Madeline L'Engle recently died. I've written about her book Walking on Water several times. It's one of my favorite books. I thought for my Top Ten today, I share some of my favorite quotes from this book in memory of Madeline.

• The artist is a servant who is willing to be a birthgiver.
• Until I have worked through self, I will not be enabled to get out of the way.
• Stories are able to help us to become more whole, to become Named. And Naming is one of the impulses behind all art; to give an name to the cosmos we see despite all the chaos.
• There is much that we cannot understand, but our lack of comprehension neither negates nor eliminates it.
• God understands that part of us which is more than we think we are.
• Art is communication, and if there is no communication it is as through the work had been still-born.
• I want to be open to God, not to what man says about God.
• Ultimately, when you are writing, you stop thinking and write what you hear.
• The greater the radius of light, the wider the perimeter of darkness.
• I must have more faith in the work than I have in myself.

Chicago Cubs

Growing up a Cubs fan had quite an impact on my development. I think I just realized this about an hour and a half ago. Let me tell you what the Cubs have taught me.
Loyalty Sometimes people disappoint you. People are human. Believe in them and come back to them anyway.
Persistence It's OK to be discouraged, but not for long. By the time you've showered & wiped the dust off your clothes you need to be telling yourself "there's always next year."
Have Fun I don't remember how old I was when I found out that not everyone sings "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch, but I do remember I was appalled. How do the rest of you have any fun at a ballgame at all? Seriously.
Sometimes Small is Good They call it "The Friendly Confines" for a reason; it's small. But that's OK. And by the way, we don't need a bunch of cheerleaders or a half time show either.
Support Cubs players, fans, announcers, etc all make an effort to acknowledge the people who help them do their jobs. Remember the people who had your back, the hands that pulled you up, and the shoulders you stood on.
One more thing. It doesn't hurt that the Cubs' mascot is a bear.