Dear Steven Curtis Chapman

Today is the anniversary of the day I told someone I love very much that she was dying of cancer. She didn't understand the words the doctors used to say there was nothing more they could do, so it fell to me to explain it to her. Three months later, she did die.
Today is also the second anniversary of my own diagnosis of cancer. One year after I told that very special person that cancer would take her life I was diagnosed with it myself. While I have many supportive friends and family around me, it's hard for me to talk about my experiences. Today I especially felt it would be difficult to explain the complex emotions I'm feeling, and to be understood. If you didn't know the person I lost, it's hard to really know what it was like.
Today also happens to be the first time I heard the song "Heaven Is The Face."
I am amazed at the courage and strength it took to write and share this song. To mourn a loss so painful robs most people, including myself, of the energy and ability to even interact meaningfully with others.
After I listened to this song, I felt listened to. I wish you could grasp a sense of how I was really listening to you too.
Just thought you should know.

Happy Birthday

If I would have known then what I know now, I would not change a thing. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I've come to learn that while there is no limit to the amount of suffering one may endure, this is a limit to how long some will stay by your side in response to that suffering. That never occurred to me when I was with you. I could never have limited our relationship when your pain was so limitless. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I would have stayed for more if it meant you could have stayed for more. I wonder if you ever knew that?
I would have stayed up with you all night.
I would have loved you anyway.
I wonder if you ever knew that?

I miss you.

The Soloist

I saw The Soloist over the weekend. I don't want to spoil the movie, but I really enjoyed the way it focused on the relationship between the two characters. It could have easily stereotyped mental illness or used the film as a political soapbox around medication or homelessness. While these issues came up, the central message was one of the power of choice and the power of relationship.
I also happen to enjoy the way the craft of writing was woven into the story. A journalist comes upon the main character and moves from seeing him as a "story" in the distant, objective sense to investing in his story and becoming part of it.
Stories are central to who we are. Each of us has a story to tell. Even the homeless guy asking for spare change. Even the waiter who is extra nice or extra unkind to you. Even the jerk who cut you off on this morning's commute.
Maybe one of the things I like about movies like this and Stranger Than Fiction is that it blends two of my passions. Words and people. The ability to share our stories is healing. It is what builds relationships.

Holy Week

The last few weeks have been challenging, so I took some much needed time off from a few things, including blogging. I will be at a conference next week and I will likely be too busy and too tired to blog then.
So what do I have to talk about during this Holy Week? It always seems that my words are insufficient to describe my experience of the week we commemorate the passion of our Lord. It's a very contemplative, introspective time for me. It's also hard to articulate my thoughts. Yet each year, God teaches me something new and different about some element of the events of Holy Week.
Our sermon on Sunday focused on how Mary did a "beautiful thing" by anointing Jesus with expensive perfume. She was not aware of the events to come, nor could she have stopped them if she knew, but "she did what she could" to show her love for Jesus. Hers was a radical expression of faith and devotion as Jesus approached what He knew would be terrible agony and suffering. In short order, Jesus' friends betrayed, denied, and abandoned Him. Even His Father forsook Him for a time so we would never have to know the pain of that separation.
I know that when people are powerless to change my own painful circumstances it means something when they choose to "do what they can," even at their own expense. Some people find it difficult to stick around during the hard times. It's easy to love and call someone your friend during the good times. Real commitment is needed when the going gets tough.
I wonder if Christ thought of Mary's act of devotion while He was on the cross. I wonder if she ever knew how much she really did.

Fly

Be still

Let your hand melt into mine

The part of me

That breathes when you breathe

Is losing time

I can't find the words to say

I'll never say goodbye

And I'll fly with you

Through the night so you know

I'm not letting go

I'm not letting go

Tears like rain fill up the sky

Oh my love

I'm not letting go

I won't let you go

I saw a host of silent angels

Waiting on their own

Knowing that all the promises

Of faith come alive

When you see home

Hold still and let your

Hand melt into mine

Shed your heart and your breath

And your pain and fly

Now you're alive

Now you're alive

Now you're alive

Now you're alive

I won't let you go

I'm not letting go

Fly, Jars Of Clay

Not All Your Fault

Once again I am touched by the number of people who stumble across my blog looking for "relaxing activities" or "how to get through a bad day." Or even, "and death shall be no more (comma) death thou shalt die." Today I am commiserating with these people as the calendar fast approaches the anniversary of the day I lost someone very important to me.
In stark contrast to this, there are the pettier issues we have to deal with each day. Someone close to me was telling me that he has an infallible co-worker. This person he works with is certain you either spoke wrong, heard wrong, or meant something wrong. If you suggest she is making an assumption, she states you made an implication. If she is angry, it is in response to your behavior. On the other hand, if you are angry, you must have jumped to a conclusion or otherwise miscommunicated somehow.
Let me reassure you, it can not always be your fault all the time for everything. Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes it's your fault. Sometimes it might even be all your fault. I'd venture to say that if you are anything like me, most of the time it's probably partly your fault. However, it takes at least two people to create a dynamic and you just can't bear all of the responsibility all of the time. Life has so many other things to focus on.

Expressive Arts

Yesterday I went to a wake for someone who died entirely too young and under circumstances that were entirely too tragic. There's been entirely too much of this sort of thing in my life as of late, and it's really starting to wear down what little reserves I have left. On this side of heaven, there is just nothing that makes this OK. It's not OK. What do you say to his mom? What do you say to strangers who don't understand? What do you say to God?
In theory, our American death, dying, and burial traditions are designed to facilitate personal closure, the ability to say goodbye, and provide support to the bereaved. Perhaps they accomplish this sometimes. However, I've often seen the chaos and hassle of arrangements be too overwhelming for those suffering loss. I've also seen the hours upon hours of sitting in a room with a loved one who isn't really there anymore, while trying to play hostess, simply amount to torture for the grieving.
This family did something I've heard of, but not personally seen. They had T-shirts made in honor of their lost loved one. Colorful, airbrushed, personalized T-shirts with his picture and a carefully selected Bible verse. Perhaps I'm biased because of my love for the creative, but I just felt this was a beautiful way to mourn. Is there a loss in your life that you would like to honor by creating something? What would you create?

Happy New Year

A few weeks ago the members of my creative writing group were lamenting the excessive, well, excessiveness of the holidays. Christmas is promoted before Halloween, let alone Thanksgiving. Then there's the weekend traveling and cooking for Thanksgiving, on top of which we are expected to make time for Christmas shopping. That is, if you are one of the "lazy" folks who isn't "already" done with your Christmas shopping.
And woe unto you if you have not already made your plans for ringing in the New Year. All the cool restaurants, hotels, and people have been booked for weeks. Perhaps all this explains why I was actually glad when my plans for the New Year's celebration fell through. I was downright exhausted! That balance I talked about a few posts ago? Somehow it escaped me in the chaos of the holidays. As much as I thought I'd want to be social for New Year's this year, I needed the time to restore my own sense of balance.
Which brings me to the brilliant idea one of my group members had. He thought we ought to redistribute the holidays to roughly 4 months apart or so. New Year's would probably have to stay put for the sake of time management. But really, nothing much fun is going on in August. It could use a holiday. And I know moving Christmas would pose problems with the liturgical calendar, but historians agree Jesus was not likely born in December anyway. I'm sure we could figure it out.
Anyone know how to officially propose an idea such as this?

It's Getting Late

The year is winding down. I was going to wait til tomorrow to post. Today I was just catching up on some blogs I read when I came across this post from Awareness. Although she wrote it a couple weeks ago I am very glad I waited until today to read it. It very much speaks to how I feel about the close of this year and the beginning of a new year of hope and opportunity arriving in just a few hours. She expresses herself on the subjects of relationships, genuineness, and kindness much more eloquently than I can at the moment. I know it's getting late, but stop by and see what she has to say if you have a moment.

Happy Thanksgiving

If today was any indication of the week's busyness this will likely be my last post for the week. Everyone have a safe, happy, blessed Thanksgiving.
The students in my creative writing class were thankful for some interesting things today. I challenged them to write about anything but family, shelter, food, all the stuff we know we are thankful for. I so loved hearing their responses. A couple of things stood out. One person commented about things in her personality she is grateful for. At first, you might think this is prideful. But really, she was simply acknowledging her ability to see the gifts around her, as well as her own strengths; all of which have helped her through some pretty tough stuff. Other people talked about things we don't often take the time to be grateful for; things we in fact have a hard time being thankful for.
Think about your job or your education. In junior high school you probably weren't so thankful for algebra. Today, I have to admit I'm having a hard time being thankful for my job. But both education and employment are undeniable blessings not everyone has the opportunity to enjoy. So perhaps we ought to cultivate gratitude specifically for those things we have a hard time being thankful for.
What parts of your own personality were uniquely designed to help you face life's challenges? Which of life's challenges are you grateful for?

Thirteen Things About Cancer

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Having lost a loved one to this disease a year and a half ago I couldn't not write something about this topic. I guess if you want to be technical some of the things on my list relate to cancer in general & not specifically breast cancer. I hope it is useful for anyone with cancer.

1. According to the American Cancer Society, the chances of a woman developing breast cancer are 1 in 8.
2. If you know someone with cancer or any serious illness, http://www.caringbridge.org/ is a great resource. It offers a free "homepage" with a blog like feature. You, or someone you elect, updates the page & friends and family can be notified when there is news. This cuts down on miscommunication & keeps everyone "in the loop."
3. I've recently re-discovered how wonderful it is to have people on your "team" who take initiative & make those logistical arrangements for appointments & referrals. If you haven't had to repeat everything from your diagnosis to your biopsy date to the results of your last labs to a half dozen people in 15 minutes, you have no idea how frustrating it can be. Yes, I'm perfectly capable of making my own phone calls. And yes, it's wonderful to not have to rehash the details of my illness over and over again. If you can be this kind of liaison for someone, do it.
4. I've recently shared about the free video game available from Hope Lab. It's a great tool for young people with cancer.
5. Schedule something fun for right after tests or treatment. It helps to have something to look forward to. Heck, this is useful for dentist appointments.
6. These days, many forms of cancer are treated as a chronic illness. Even if your cancer does not go into remission, in some cases it can be managed successfully for quite a long time.
7. The chance that breast cancer will be the cause of a woman's death is 1 in 35, according to the American Cancer Society.
8. There are DVDs like this one that teach guided imagery specifically for people going through radiation or chemotherapy. General relaxation techniques are helpful, but why not do something tailored to your exact needs?
9. In my experience, and mind you this is only my experience, chocolate helps with mild to moderate nausea. Hey, if you need to deal with cancer, you should get to eat chocolate.
10. Do something creative. Even if you don't consider yourself artistic engaging in a creative activity helps counter the destructive, negative impact of cancer.
11. There are many well known resources for support and research for all kinds of cancer. When you choose to participate in a fundraiser or other activity, be aware of what the money goes for, is it for research, treatment, or support?
12. Also, be diligent about researching smaller, more local organizations. Many times these groups offer specialized volunteer services that the larger groups do not.
13. There are people who will send cards and tell you to call them. Then there are the people who will write their phone number in the cards and tell you to call them. Those are the people you can call if you need someone to go to an appointment with, or to help with errands and chores.

The Forest For The Trees

I recently talked with a friend of mine about trees. We share an affinity for trees for similar, but not identical reasons. There's just something about trees that is just reassuring and solid. They've seen a lot of history. Unfortunately, the same thing I love about their resilience and the reliability of their presence is also the same thing that also causes me to take them for granted. They're always there. Mostly, I notice them when they change with the seasons, which always gets me thinking about how they survive the cruelest of winters to come back every spring.
This conversation got me thinking about other things in nature that I'm drawn to. There are certain things I love that I (and most people who know me) am completely aware of. Lilacs, rainbows, anything having to do with spring. But I bet there are things in nature and in life that I'm drawn to without even realizing it. I'm going to make an effort to discover some of these things.

Current Music: This Is Me (You're Not Talking To), Randy Travis
Current Read: Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame

Gold Medals

Once again I have a random stream of consciousness going that I'm not sure will amount to anything coherent. Last night I was at a meeting, so the lack of posting wasn't related to my lack of organized thought.
I'm loving the Olympics. The gymnastics, diving, and swimming are my favorites. Though I'm not quite sure why we have both volleyball and beach volleyball.
This week I gave my Creative Writing group the assignment of creating their own category of competition and handing out gold medals. Without exception, my group members gave out gold medals for merit in some area of relationships. Perhaps it was someone they directly interacted with and benefited from; a parent, a teacher. Other times it was simply someone they admire for how that person relates to others. Someone who has been a role model or demonstrated dedication towards helping others. I have to say I was proud of my group members for acknowledging that compassion, honesty and other relationship characteristics are more deserving of medals than speed or physical strength.
As an aside, my friends LeAnne and Crystal, along with Awareness, have posted some excellent thoughts as of late. Stop by and visit them for something a little more substantial than when I'm writing at the moment.

Understanding

Do you ever wonder if God understands everything about what you go through? Some people think He'll understand about the big stuff, but sometimes it seems like the day to day stuff we deal with is fairly inconsequential. We kind of treat those things as though they are simply things we just have to deal with on our own.
I'm sometimes guilty of falling into that trap myself. The other night I was reading the Psalms and these verses reminded He gets even the "little things."

"My heart is in anguish within me,
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
And I say ' O that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
truly I would flee far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
I would hurry to find a shelter for myself
from the raging wind and tempest'...
It is not enemies who taunt me-
I could bear that;
it is not adversaries who deal insolently with me-
I could hide from them.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend,
with whom I kept pleasant company...
My companion has laid hands on a friend
and violated a covenant with me
with speech smoother than butter,
but with a heart set on war;
with words that were softer that oil,
but in fact were drawn swords."

What Is There To Say?

About a year and a half ago I experienced the loss of someone I was very close to. Many people were very supportive of me during that time. Since then, I've experienced other losses and I've learned a great deal, some through the support of others and some in the absence of that support.
Now one of the friends who was so supportive during my time of grief is mourning a loss of her own. And despite everything I've read, everything I know about loss, and the countless acts of care and concern I've experienced from others, I do not know what to do or say. I cannot think of anything that would do justice to the kind of friendship she has shown me in my times of need. I cannot think of anything that can for one second diminish the helpless, empty pain of her loss.
There is hope for the future. And that does not change the fact that now is hard.

Assorted Thoughts

Normally when I come back from a conference I take a day or two to metabolize all the information that was presented. So that's why I did not post yesterday as I usually try to do on Mondays. I'm still pretty lost in my head, so this isn't going to be the organized reflection I was hoping to write. I toyed with the idea of just posting the word salad in my brain and asking you to make sense of it, but I decided to try to make it a little more put together than that.

• My brother says social networking applications are basically a big time sink. To some extent, I agree; but we all need a bit of something to sink our free time into now & again. Today I read an article on reasons to Twitter. Two reasons stuck out for me. One is that you are limited to posts of 140 characters. It forces you to write tightly. The other reason is it also forces you to think about what you do on a more "moment by moment" basis. Twittering puts your daily activities in a virtual fishbowl. So might the "time sink" actually lead to better choices for how to spend your time?
• A quote I heard at the conference this weekend "I don't have enough faith to be an atheist." This really resonates with me & I've shared it with a few people which has led to some great discussion. Maybe I'll post more about it later.
• I'm re-reading Walking On Water by Madeline L'Engle. If you follow this blog at all, you know it's one of my favorite books. Every time I read it, I get a new insight. Last night I read how artistic choices are choices of love. Both love and art are creational (is that a word?) and relational. And at times, confrontational. She says, "In a day when we are taught to look for easy solutions, it is not easy to hold on to that most difficult one of all, love." Later, she speaks of writing a novel as a risky venture many of us would step away from when it "demands a conscious falling through the window, a journey through the looking glass." Yes, I can see the connection between art and relationships.

Silence

I orginally posted this a little over a year ago. It's worthy of a repost today.

Take, take til there’s nothing. Nothing to turn to. Nothing when you get through. Break, scatter pieces of all I’ve been. Bowing to all I’ve been running to.
Where are You? Where are You?
Did You leave me unbreakable? Leave me frozen? I never felt so cold, I though You were silent. And I thought You left me for the wreckage and the waste on an empty beach of faith. Was it true?
'Cause I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Scream, deeper I want to scream. I want You to hear me. I want You to find me. I want to believe. But all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone.
I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You? Yeah, Yeah, I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?

Silence, Jars of Clay

How To Get Through A Bad Day

Sometimes it’s all we can do to get through a bad day. Don’t try to think about it, change it, or accomplish something in spite of it. Just survive. On some days that’s the best defense we have, but maybe there’s a way we can use those bad days to redeem some of the other bad days we all encounter from time to time. Remember that series of bad days you went through a few months ago? What couldn't you process at the time? Is there anything you’re perhaps more prepared to acknowledge now, some insight that might be useful as you face another patch of bad days?
Here are thirteen things I’ve learned or found useful in bad days. I hope they will get me through some more.

• Music is healing. Listen to music.
• Psalm 121
• Art being what it is, it is beautiful and valuable. Treat people like art.
• This is important.
• Sometimes you just need a Kleenex.
• Chocolate given by others in times of stress tastes better.
• Books are healing. Read books.
• Helping someone else with a bad day helps you with your own.
• There’s no such thing as “at least” when it comes to loss.
• There’s stuff inside you that you don’t know is there. When you need it, you’ll find it.
• If you can’t find it, go watch Rocky Balboa.
• This is also important.
• Creativity counters the destructive things in our lives. Go be creative.

Sunday Scribblings

I found a new blog, Awareness. Already, I think it's going to become a favorite. I like the random, thoughtful comments on the experience of life. I've only been reading for a few days and I've found lots to think about. Today, she wrote about a subject prompted from another site that I've already grown fond of, Sunday Scribblings. This is another meme site that posts a writing prompt each week. I looked into their archive of topics and I liked what I saw. The prompts leave a lot of room for imagination and interpretation. They are short, usually one word; but it's a word that begs to have it's meaning, or multiple meanings explored. The connotative and denotative layers are deep and intense. I love that. I'm still going to have original, unprompted blog entries, but I'm going to experiment with adding this meme to my blogging schedule on occasion. Hope you like it.
All I have on this week's subject are a few loose associations, and maybe a couple of questions. Here they are anyway.

• We can only guide someone as far as we've gone ourselves. Don't we then have a responsibility to push ourselves as far as we can? How do we do that?
• I like the mentoring concept of Paul, Timothy, and Barnabas. Each of us should strive to be in relationships with people a bit further along, a bit behind, and right alongside us. This method of providing balance works in professional, spiritual, and other contexts.
• This is really a loose association... my brother & dad play World of Warcraft. When you just start out in that game, about 95% of the mini-map that shows where you are in relation to the rest of the world is blank. You haven't been there yet, so you don't get to see what's there. You are guided by the map only as far as you can see in front of you.
• Our dads (and moms, but it is Father's Day) guide us in a lot of ways, some intentional, and some not. Like I said, they can only guide us to where and what they know. We place a lot of meaning on the guiding role of parents. If you had a "good enough" parent that probably worked out fairly well for you, even if it's not perfect. If you didn't have a good enough parent, you had to find that guidance in other ways. How were you guided to where you are?

Memorial Day

Webster defines "memorial" as "something that keeps remembrance alive; as a monument."
I love that the word "alive" is used in the definition. To remember is to keep something, or someone alive. Of course, we cannot literally prevent someone from dying and it is harmful to go on pretending someone is alive once that person has died. It is also harmful to forget when person close to us has died. Relationships continue after one person has lost the other, albeit in a different sense. Death does not negate the relationship that existed before it. One does not cease to be a parent, spouse, or child simply on the basis of death.
Rather than confining our relationships with those we have lost to a few certain holidays or remaining in a wishful past where we artificially keep our loved ones alive, we could benefit from genuinely internalizing the meaning of our relationships, including the pain of loss. Allowing those relationships to change us in healthy ways is one way to "keep remembrance alive."

In memory of Maria Sue Chapman.