Dear Steven Curtis Chapman

Today is the anniversary of the day I told someone I love very much that she was dying of cancer. She didn't understand the words the doctors used to say there was nothing more they could do, so it fell to me to explain it to her. Three months later, she did die.
Today is also the second anniversary of my own diagnosis of cancer. One year after I told that very special person that cancer would take her life I was diagnosed with it myself. While I have many supportive friends and family around me, it's hard for me to talk about my experiences. Today I especially felt it would be difficult to explain the complex emotions I'm feeling, and to be understood. If you didn't know the person I lost, it's hard to really know what it was like.
Today also happens to be the first time I heard the song "Heaven Is The Face."
I am amazed at the courage and strength it took to write and share this song. To mourn a loss so painful robs most people, including myself, of the energy and ability to even interact meaningfully with others.
After I listened to this song, I felt listened to. I wish you could grasp a sense of how I was really listening to you too.
Just thought you should know.

Good Friday

What I Gave Up For Lent

Lutherans do not traditionally practice giving up something for Lent, but I and many of my fellow Lutheran friends do so anyway. I've given up a variety of things over the years, everything from TV to chocolate to bad language. I've given up other things during Lent, like the time I let go of someone I loved very much when she died of cancer during Lent.
This year it was really difficult to determine what God would have me give up. As I've mentioned, life is not easy for me these days. While there was a time when I grew spiritually by giving up one of life's little pleasures for a little while, I just don't think God is calling me to give up sources of relaxation, comfort, and support at this time. Yes, there probably still would be benefits to giving up various foods or forms of technology. Right now I need to believe that to eliminate that which makes me laugh, smile, or feel encouraged would be to reject the very gifts God is offering me.
When I came to that conclusion, it was as if a window to heaven had opened. I decided to give up hopelessness and discouragement for Lent. And you know what? It actually worked. Life is still hard, and I still get stressed and overwhelmed. But despair has lost much of the hold it had over me since I decided to give it up.
Now, along with this theme, I'd like you to go to this site and listen to a song by John Waller that speaks to exactly what I'm talking about. You'll have to scroll down to the song called "Our God Reigns Here." I really hope you listen to the song. Leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it. This means you.

Imagination

Weariness

Not much for conversation
I still find need to pray
Sometimes I get tired of walking
Through these ordinary days
If nothing else I get to see you
Even if we never speak
The harm of words though sometimes
We don't quite know
What they really mean

I don't know where
I don't know how
I don't know why
But your love can make
These things better

So let me lay down in this field
And stare up at the sky
I hope the days and clouds
Turn into something
As they pass us by
And maybe you could settle
For a skyline faded blue
I hope that you might settle
For this love I have for you

Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better

These Ordinary Days, Jars of Clay

I Am Green

God bless The Frog.

What Did You Expect?

I took a few days off for Christmas. The weather is perfectly lovely today. And I got my new furniture delivered. In addition to lots of wonderful things, some great time with family, and the best Gift of all, I also got some other things for Christmas. I got a cold, maybe strep throat, 3 broken toes, a case of hives, and a backed up kitchen sink.
Inspired by the version of the 12 Days of Christmas I was thus writing in my head, and too tired to be creative enough to write it or anything else, I found this.
You know you love it.

Taize

This sample of Taize music isn't from my church, but I wanted to share an example of the kind of music we worshipped with at our Advent service tonight. I love the chant style and have downloaded several Taize songs to my ipod. Hope you like it too.

Silence

I orginally posted this a little over a year ago. It's worthy of a repost today.

Take, take til there’s nothing. Nothing to turn to. Nothing when you get through. Break, scatter pieces of all I’ve been. Bowing to all I’ve been running to.
Where are You? Where are You?
Did You leave me unbreakable? Leave me frozen? I never felt so cold, I though You were silent. And I thought You left me for the wreckage and the waste on an empty beach of faith. Was it true?
'Cause I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Scream, deeper I want to scream. I want You to hear me. I want You to find me. I want to believe. But all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone.
I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You? Yeah, Yeah, I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?

Silence, Jars of Clay

What's Your Instrument?

A while ago, I posted a blog on What's Your Art? I'm too lazy to link it, but you can search it from my sidebar if you like.
Anyway, I'm currently reading this book on creativity and spirituality. At one point the book talks about being an instrument for your art. Singers consider their voices an instrument, and sculptors treat their hands like instruments. Carrying the metaphor further, the author of the book asks us to consider what kind of instruments we would be in a musical performance. If your art had a musical sound to it, what would it be?
Now, you are just going to have to take my word for this, but in the last couple of years, I've wanted to learn to play the harp. Yes, that obscure, expensive, not-very-portable instrument that few people play and even fewer teach. What would I do with a harp? Where would I put it? I don't know. I just want to learn to play the harp. So when the book asked these questions, I started thinking about what playing the harp says about my other creative endeavors. I don't have many answers yet, but inspired by Wendy's research on periwinkle, I did some searching of my own and came up with this. Honest and for real.

You Should Play the Harp

You are a sensitive soul, with a great admiration for beauty. You definitely have what it takes to make beautiful music, but most instruments are too harsh for you. You are subtle, shy, and even a bit spoiled. You're very picky about most aspects of your life. It's just your style to play an eccentric, hard to transport instrument like the harp that few people consider. Overall, you have the relaxed demeanor of a leisurely upper class person, and your music would reflect that. Your calm yet soulful harp playing would be sure to help people forget their troubles for a while. Your dominant personality characteristic: your zen-ness Your secondary personality characteristic: your quiet independence

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

An Aged Top Ten

Some of you are going to think I have no reason to write a list of the top ten things that make me feel old. But I think that only proves my point. If I'm surprised that something makes me feel old, that just goes to show I am not yet old enough to be that old. That probably only made sense if you know me fairly well. Anyway, here's the top ten things that make me feel old.

1. Someone recently asked me what kind of anti-wrinkle cream I use. I don't. Maybe it was a compliment in that I don't really have wrinkles, but it still sounds fishy.
2. The discounted matinee price for movies is more than the full price was when I was a kid.
3. Getting ma'am-ed. Unless I'm visiting the South, or being addressed by someone under the age of ten, I am not at all prepared to be called ma'am.
4. The fact that I can no longer stay up late. Anything that requires coordination or cognitive functioning requires a full night's sleep.
5. I recently realized that anything that happened up to 15 years ago still happened in my adult lifetime.
6. My peers have children entering the 2nd grade.
7. I've moved up a category in the age bracket demographic.
8. Instead of getting trendy fashion catalogs, I've started getting catalogs for sensible shoes and clothes that specialize in "coverage and support."
9. My younger brother is going to be 29. Once he hits 30, I'm going to have to admit that I have too.
10. Music I grew up with is now being played on classic and oldies radio stations. I thought that was my parents' music that was supposed to be on those stations.

Top Ten Tuesday

Well, I don't usually stick with any one routine for very long, but I figure I might as well play with this Tuesday top ten idea for a while. Last week I shared the movies on my Netflix queue. In thouroughly modern fashion, I suppose I should follow up with the top 10 songs on my iPod.
Keep in mind these are the top 10 most played songs on my iPod, and the last several months were a little on the dark & difficult side. My song list isn't usually this monochromatic, nor this depressing. It'll be interesting to see what the top 10 most played songs on my iPod are six months from now.

1. How to Save A Life, The Fray
2. Something Beautiful, Jars of Clay
3. Silence, Jars of Clay
4. These Ordinary Days, Jars of Clay
5. Window in the Skies, U2
6. Hands, Jewel
7. Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, U2
8. Pride (In the Name of Love), U2
9. Home, Rich Mullins
10. Because of This, MercyMe