The Colors, Man....

I'm about to get my place painted. I'm quite excited about this. I've recently had cause to do everything I can to improve my mood. I've always known that my mood is particularly affected by color so this change couldn't have come at a better time. Right now I'm surrounded by a bold yellow that I find stress inducing. Normally I don't notice this much. But lately I find myself retreating from the main living space to read or otherwise occupy myself in my bedroom, which is the only room I've had painted so far.
The bedroom is my favorite color, a periwinkle blue. This is, IMHO, an ideal, restful color for a bedroom. And get this, the color of the paint is called "Beautiful Dream." How cool is that for a bedroom? Soon the rest of my home will have colors that are equally as enjoyable.
So maybe this post falls into the "too much information" category. Or maybe you think it's just pointless information. But if your life lacks energy, or peace, or creativity, you might be able to add a dose of it through the colors you surround yourself with. It certainly couldn't hurt.

A Bloggie Birthday!

Today my blog is a year old. It's been quite a year. I think the blog essentially keeps to the theme I intended when I started it, although the focus has perhaps shifted a bit. Then again, I knew that would happen when I started.
I know of at least 2 other blogs celebrating birthdays/anniversaries in this first part of September. I wonder when most blogs are started, and I wonder why?
If there's anything you'd like to read more about in the next year, I'd love to hear from you.
Thanks for reading.

Labor Day

Everybody's doing something this weekend. Some people mark the end of summer with barbecues and parties. Others travel for one last long summer weekend away, or stay at home to try to complete all those home improvement tasks they never got around to over the summer. I will be in the last category this weekend.
Labor Day is one of the times of year that I check in with how I'm doing on my New Year's resolutions. As the seasons change I like to think about how my year has gone thus far, and what I can do to stay focused on my goals for the rest of the year. Sometimes I do this formally, with journaling, reading, and other reflective activities. This year I will spend most of my time mentally reviewing my year while I go about cleaning, organizing, and decluttering my condo.
Something about creating order in my environment helps me order my thoughts. Maybe that's why I like to have a certain amount of untidiness in my space. It's not enough for things to be clean, the benefit is in the act of cleaning itself. It'd be awful to need to clean something for the benefit of thinking through a problem and find myself with a home so tidy that nothing needed organizing.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

An Aged Top Ten

Some of you are going to think I have no reason to write a list of the top ten things that make me feel old. But I think that only proves my point. If I'm surprised that something makes me feel old, that just goes to show I am not yet old enough to be that old. That probably only made sense if you know me fairly well. Anyway, here's the top ten things that make me feel old.

1. Someone recently asked me what kind of anti-wrinkle cream I use. I don't. Maybe it was a compliment in that I don't really have wrinkles, but it still sounds fishy.
2. The discounted matinee price for movies is more than the full price was when I was a kid.
3. Getting ma'am-ed. Unless I'm visiting the South, or being addressed by someone under the age of ten, I am not at all prepared to be called ma'am.
4. The fact that I can no longer stay up late. Anything that requires coordination or cognitive functioning requires a full night's sleep.
5. I recently realized that anything that happened up to 15 years ago still happened in my adult lifetime.
6. My peers have children entering the 2nd grade.
7. I've moved up a category in the age bracket demographic.
8. Instead of getting trendy fashion catalogs, I've started getting catalogs for sensible shoes and clothes that specialize in "coverage and support."
9. My younger brother is going to be 29. Once he hits 30, I'm going to have to admit that I have too.
10. Music I grew up with is now being played on classic and oldies radio stations. I thought that was my parents' music that was supposed to be on those stations.

My Shelfari Bookshelf

Once again Cris has come to the rescue. Or is that, has come to lead me into temptation? She introduced me to Shelfari, which is a way to keep track of the books you've read, communicate with others about them, and of course, share this info on your blog. I'd been wanting to track all the books I read, but I didn't want to get expensive software to do it, and I'm too lazy to do it without some sort of tool to help me.
If you scroll down a bit, in my sidebar you will see an item called "My Bookshelf." Your computer may tell you that you need to download Flashplayer to see my shelf. Go ahead and do that. You should be able to see the books I'm currently reading. At present, this means the books I've read so far this year.
Earlier, I'd estimated that I read about 25 books in a year. Well, it's August and I'm up to 27, and just about to go get books 28 & 29 at the library. Granted, it's been an unusual year for me. I've been a bit of a compulsive reader. What's even more alarming is that over 2/3 of these books have something to do with someone dying. Seriously.
Anyone got any happy books?

Back to School

I'm not in school anymore, and I don't have kids of my own. Still, this is always a bittersweet time of year for me. My friends and I have all been talking about memories of school. The sights, the sounds, the smells. I love the feel and the smell of those little pink erasers, how perfect they looked before you had to use them for the first time. I love notebooks and filler paper. As sad as it is to say goodbye to summer, the school year is its own promising season filled with potential and possibilities.
My love for school supplies has grown up into a love for office supplies. I keep thinking that if I have enough three-ring binders and index cards, my life will somehow become organized. Of course, I know that's not the solution, but it sure is fun to play with the grown up version of my school supplies. Who knows, maybe I'll even dig around and see if I can find my box of 64 crayons.

Gratitude Top Ten

I almost made this top ten about things I feel like whining about today. I think that would have been easier. But I stopped myself and decided to make an effort to get out of my funk by trying to list 10 things I'm grateful for today.

1. Air conditioning
2. Chocolate
3. That 5PM arrived, eventually
4. The Muppet Show, Season 2 DVD (it's four discs, but I think skipping ahead to the 8th slot would be cheating)
5. Books
6. Bubble baths
7. Impromptu work field trips
8. Empathy
9. Nail polish
10. Thunderstorms

Good Eats in Chicago

I'm finally getting around to responding to Cris' last tag. I think she knows I've been having trouble coming up with things to write and time in which to write them. I'm being a rule breaker here because I just haven't done the networking to know other people to tag.
Anyway, for the record, I live in the Chicago suburbs (IL, in the good old USA). There, I've at least followed a few of the rules.

1. So as not to disappoint Cris or anyone else, my favorite resturant is Giordano's Pizzeria. Our local joint recently redecorated to fit the chain brand more closely. They were closed for some time and let me tell you, it wasn't pleasant. I'm not sure if I like the outcome either. Our old one was more unique, less contemporary. The stuffed pizza is what they are famous for, but I also love their thin crust. It's not too thin, which I find important. Cold Giordano's thin crust pizza is the best. People have asked me what is so fabulous about it. All I can say is, come to Chicago & I'll take you out for pizza.
2. Not to be all about junk food, but we have this great hot dog place that I grew up on. Gene & Jude's has the best hot dogs ever. They are literally just a hot dog stand that has been, well, standing since my dad grew up in this area. I'll take you here too, but you have to promise not to ask for ketchup. Gene & Jude's does not serve ketchup with their hot dogs.
3. I've only been to Reza's in the city a few times, but I love it. They have wonderful Middle Eastern/Mediteranean food. I could eat their hummus all day long.
4. I've come to the conclusion that at pizza places, the other food options aren't usually that great. And at your basic Italian place, if the general fare is good the pizza might not be all that great. I think this is the case with Leona's, one of my family's favorite Italian places. Wonderful pasta, yummy salmon, and great homemade bread. One of the trademarks of Leona's is that the staff is a little, ummm, rude. They are fairly direct & kind of crass. You still get good service & the lack of formalities & abundance of attitude makes it seem that much more like home.
5. If you want real rudeness, you need to go to Ed Debevic's. These guys are world class rude. The 50's diner style is entertaining, as are the waitstaff dance performances which often occur on the tables. Their burgers are pretty famous too.

Top 10 Relaxing Activities

Cris went & tagged me again, but she's going to have to wait because it's Tuesday, and that means another Top Ten list.
I'm feeling a little stressed today, so my Top Ten list is of things that I intend to do over the next few days to help me relax. Some of these things might seem like you hear about them all the time. But the question is when is the last time you actually did more than one of them, intentionally, in a week?

• Read. I recently picked up Girl Meets God & I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
• Take a bubble bath. Probably more than one.
• Make a book. I made one the other night in an hour. I self imposed the deadline and it worked. If you have a creative project you've been hedging around at, allow yourself the ability to just rush through it. Then go back & clean it up if you want or need to.
• Do something spiritual. For me, this means something not already in my routine. I'm not usually a midweek worship service attendee, but I'm going to go tomorrow night.
• Breathe. Yes, we all do that. Doing it intentionally is different though. Try deep breathing while meditating on the creation of man & the word inspire. Seriously.
• Get or give yourself a manicure. This is my beauty pampering ritual of choice because as a writer I like making my hands feel good. I also get the most compliments on my hands, so there's that added bonus.
• Write something. Do you know how often I find myself getting kinda crabby & then realize it's been a while since I journaled?
• Sleep. Need I say more?
• Add something healthy to my life. When I'm stressed, I work on adding something like exercise, more water, or some more healthy food to my diet. Even just changing one thing can make a big improvement in my immune system & energy level.
• Something yummy, preferably chocolate. OK, most of the stuff on this list is good or neutral as far as health. But a little comfort food isn't such a bad thing.

A Few Questions

Crystal tagged me a few days ago and I'm just now getting around to answering her questions. Since she's already tagged the other bloggers I know, I don't have anyone else to tag. Sigh. I'm not very good at this sort of thing.


1. What's the one book or writing project you haven't yet written but still hope to?

I’m not much of a fiction writer, so I’d have to say that the one project I want to write is the nonfiction equivalent to The Great American Novel. In my mind, this book is impossibly wide in scope, and equally overwhelming in its depth. I’m not there yet, I’m still collecting ingredients. What I know so far is that it’s part memoir, both inspirational and instructional, has a lot to do with creativity and relationships, and would speak about faith in a way that would attract both believers and nonbelievers.
Of course, this is all subject to change and various forms of reality checks as time progresses.

2. If you had one entire day in which to do nothing but read, what book would you start with?

If you’d asked me this question a couple weeks ago, the answer would have been Harry Potter. Actually, Crystal did ask this question a couple weeks ago, and one of the reasons it took me so long to respond was that I was busy reading Harry Potter.
Now that I’m done with that, and I’ve had a few days to recover (hey, I like to read, but 750+ pages in two days is a lot), I’m mulling over my next options. I’m a very mood dependent reader, but once I start reading a book I’m usually compelled to finish it. So I have to be careful about what books I choose to read and when. If I’m not careful I can end up reading too many depressing books in a row and that’s just not good.
Anything by Tolkien is probably a safe bet. Right now I’m wanting to get my hands on The Children of Hurin. In fact, I think I have a Border’s coupon that expires soon. Now I have to go to Borders and it’s all Crystal’s fault.

3. What was your first writing "instrument" (besides pen and paper)?

Does crayon count?
I don’t remember the name of the brand, but it was a word processor. When I entered college, computers were still too expensive for me to invest in my own. So we went a step above typewriter and got a word processor. The thing used floppy disks of a unique size so you could not transfer files from the word processor to a PC. And it required a complex set of maneuvers to save a document. My roommate found out that these maneuvers seem even more complex at 3AM. That was not fun.

4. What's your best guess as to how many books you read in a month?

Hmmm, good question. I’ve been wanting to keep better track, but I just haven’t gotten around to that. I’d say I read probably a couple books a month. Some months I just read one book. Some months I might read 3-4. I’ve been wanting to try this software that catalogs all the books you read, but that seems rather frivolous at the moment. I think I’d use it, but who knows?

5. What's your most favorite writing "machine" you've ever owned?

I use my PC most often. I like MS Office 2003. I use Publisher for some things, and I like the way Word, Powerpoint, and Publisher work together. But my favorite writing machine is my AlphaSmart. I’ve always liked to journal when I’m away from home. However, some writing is better done, accessed, if you will, through typing. There’s nothing better than being able to sit outside and type on my AlphaSmart, then come in and easily transfer the file to my computer.

6. Think historical fiction: what's your favorite time period in which to read? (And if you don't read historical fiction--shame on you.)

I’d have to say pioneer/turn of the century stuff. It’s a nostalgia thing not only for the time period itself, but for the books I read as a kid. Who wasn’t inspired by Laura Ingalls Wilder?

7. What's the one book you remember most clearly from your youth (childhood or teens)?

Definitely The Hobbit. This was the book that made me want to be a writer. What more can I say?

Money Management

You'd think with a single income, money management would be a big challenge for me. Sometimes things are a little tighter than I'd like, but often it's a simple matter of math. When I'm done with my expenses for the month the money is gone, so there's not really anything left over to worry about budgeting.
This is the reason I have rules about windfalls. The first rule of windfalls is that a big chunk of it has to go into savings. That way, when a minor disaster occurs, I've got some funds available. Then I put the rest towards a project of appropriate size. These are the kinds of projects that sit around on a waiting list until I have the money.
Using this method, I feel I have the best of both worlds. I have some money in savings, that's untouchable unless something in my home or my body needs repairs. But I also get to do something tangible that holds off the feelings of deprivation for a while.
However, I think I'm going to try something different. I have a little bit of money waiting for me to decide what to do with it. I've already put some of it into savings. Truthfully, this is not the kind of money that would allow me to do something substantial like make over a room in the house. So rather than spending it all at once, I think it might be fun to see how long I can make it last. It's kind of nice to have a few extra bucks for little things that come up each week. Instead of picking one big project to spend it on, I'm going to enjoy getting a number of the "little things" on my list week after week. I wonder if I can make this last until the next windfall.

At Last, A Top Ten

I've been sick for quite a while and unable to post. As I told my friends, I hate it when I get a game plan together and then I get sidelined. One of my last posts was on books for writers. Here's a list of tools for writers that I find useful. These are especially helpful when I need to arm myself to get back into the game.

• My Alphasmart. I love that it's a no-frills portable word processor. No danger of Freecell or web surfing. I can type anywhere.
• While I try to avoid excess surfing, I can't do without my favorite writing groups, blogs, and sites. Maybe they'll be featured in a future top ten.
• Gel pens or fountain pens. I love these for journaling and brainstorming.
• Write Again software. It's a great all in one organizing, tracking, and planning program.
• Notebooks. My new favorites are the smaller size from CVS. They've got great plastic covers, but they aren't too expensive.
• My ipod. Sometimes I write with music, sometimes not. But I often use my ipod to at least mask noise in my immediate surroundings.
• The basics: my PC, my desk. I love being able to customize my environment to stimulate creativity.
• I know I mentioned e-sword before, but I'm mentioning them again. They have bibles and so many bible study tools.
• A handful of tools from Levenger. Required? No. Fun? Yes. They make these notepads shaped to fit in front of my monitor. No more saving emails forever because I never write down the info.
• Chocolate. It's good for celebration, consolation, encouragement, reward. It's an incredibly versatile tool.

Not Much To Say

I don't have much to say today. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing over the last few days. I love doing this sort of thing when there's something on my mind. Putting order in my physical surroundings helps me put my thoughts together.
Another thing that helps is working on puzzles. Often by the time I've solved the puzzle, I've come up with a solution to my dilemma.
Sometimes talking helps, but sometimes it's not easy to put thoughts into words. Even journaling can be difficult at those times. It's not that the problem itself is complicated, it's that it needs to percolate a little before you can express it in words. That's when I find book art helpful. Playing with images and structures helps give form to whatever thoughts you are trying to work through.
This can even be used as a transitional means to writing an article or book. If you're struggling with writers' block, go back to the "pre-writing" techniques of creating a book. Often what we need to express comes out in colors, patterns, and symbols before we can put it to words.

What Will Heaven Be Like?

Several posts ago I facetiously said I hope we'll be able to read all the books in our "to be read" piles once we get to heaven. I also implied that whatever heaven will be like, I don't think cherries will be there. At least not in my little corner of the kingdom.
The point I was trying to make is that our finite little brains can't begin to conceptualize how wonderful heaven will be. Except...
There's this song that Geoff Moore recently covered called "When I Get Where I'm Going." It's about what things will be like when we get to heaven. I must confess I have not always liked this song. I thought of it as just another rather "fluffy" image of eternal life.
On closer listening, I heard the line "I will leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear."
Even the best relationships here on earth are imperfect. We disappoint each other. We get rejected. We disagree. Imagine what it would be like to not be afraid to love and be loved. Never having to wonder if someone thinks you're not good enough. Never feeling ignored or let down. Never having to wonder if your opinion will be accepted. Never being afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Imagine knowing it's always safe to interrupt, always safe to ask, and safe to love because you know the risk that you won't be loved in return simply doesn't exist.
Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?

Current Read: Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankel
Current Music: Happy, Matthew West

Top 10 Books for Writers

These are the books I think you simply must have if you plan on writing, particularly in the Christian market. These books are all useful no matter what kind of writing you do, fiction or nonfiction, and any audience you might write for.

1. A dictionary- Preferably a good hardbound one your aunt got you for 8th grade graduation, the kind where she wrote affirming things about you & your love of words on the inside cover.
2. A thesaurus- Preferably a good hardbound one your brother got you because he's supportive, even if he doesn't write nice things on the inside cover.
3. The Elements of Style, Strunk & White- You need this book. It's the grammar book. Just go get it.
4. The Christian Writer's Market Guide, compiled by Sally Stuart- You can write all you want, but if you wanna know who's gonna buy your stuff, you need this book.
5. Bibles- It's good to have lots of these. I like comparing translations and study notes in different versions, as well as the extra features like maps & concordances. Take a look at e-sword.net.
6. Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller- Not strictly a book on writing, but if you are going to write for the Christian market, you are going need to read the opening paragraph of the chapter "Money: Thoughts on Paying Rent." You're probably going to want to read it several times.
7. You Can Market Your Book, Carmen Leal- Let's face it, we want to not only write books, we want to sell them. Carmen has lots of great ideas for how to do that.
8. Writing From the Inside Out, Dennis Palumbo- This book covers so many of the internal and external obstacles for writing. Don't read it unless you are ready to part with the reasons you can't write.
9. Walking On Water, Madeline L'Engle- I love this book. Pure creative, spiritual inspiration. This book really fills that creative well back up.
10. An Introduction to Christian Writing, Ethel Herr- Just what it says. This book is a nice introduction to the basic protocols for the process of writing. There's some great tools to help you get organized in this book.

Dependence

My coworkers and I recently had the luxury of spending some surplus funds on reference books for our mental health agency. One of the books was on the subject of co-dependence. I couldn't help but note the contrast between our perception of co-dependence as a negative state of being and the celebration of independence that we celebrate not only as individuals, but on a national level as well.
One of my colleagues observed that we've come to cherish independence so much that we've developed intolerance of dependence in any form. Thus, if people care for each other, especially if they make sacrifices to provide that care, we label the relationship codependent.
Certainly, destructive co-dependence can and does exist. But I wonder if we've become so protective of our own rights and abilities that we forget that we're made to depend on each other. Not co-dependence. Not independence. Interdependence. Maybe we should celebrate Interdependence Day.

Identity

Have you ever woken up and discovered you had no idea who you were? More to the point, maybe you know who you were, but you have no idea who you are?
Sometimes we change so slowly that we don't even realize it's happened until we reflect on what life was like 4 years ago, before the Master's degree. Or that a mere 13 months ago, I'd never owned a home before.
Other times, change happens so fast, you freeze up, holding your breath while you try to catch up with what just happened. Like when I needed to take some time away from people to take care of myself after some difficult experiences. The part of my brain that could connect meaningfully with other people was closed for repairs. Until 11:30 AM on May 30th. I was in the middle of a conversation and I couldn't figure out why I felt like crying. Finally, I caught up with the idea that I was emotionally connecting and responding to what the person was telling me. Being reintroduced to the experience of relationships that suddenly can catch one off guard a bit.
Life is disorienting sometimes. We prepare ourselves for what we think will be an emotional experience, and find we didn't react at all like we expected. Then we get overwhelmed when we least expect it. We do things we never thought we'd be able to do, only to then find we can't do things we always thought we could or should.
Weird.

Top 10 Writing Tricks

Over the weekend I found myself writing. Nothing spectacular, some stuff for church, which led to some updating of promotional material, which led to even more writing. Who knew?
That very question is of some concern. Since I don't know what sparked this sudden interest in writing, I'm not terribly confident in my ability to recreate it. So here's my top ten techniques for writing consistently.

1. Tell someone what I'm going to write & when. There's no substitute for accountability.
2. Set a time related goal. Write for 20 minutes, 3 hours, whatever. Just write for a set length of time.
3. Set a quantitative goal. Three pages, or 1,000 words. Set a number and write until you hit it, even if you write garbage.
4. Get jealous. Not usually a good thing, but if a little of the green-eyed monster inspires some good-natured competition, maybe it's not so bad.
5. For me, it helps to take off my shoes at night. Since my mobility is limited this removes the temptation to get up and put laundry away, etc. Of course, there's still Freecell.
6. Create rewards. We all know this one. But it's true that reward works better than punishment. Try encouraging yourself to write instead of beating yourself up about it.
7. Go someplace else. I love my Alphasmart. With my Alphasmart & my journal, I can go anywhere and just write.
8. Turn off your internal editor. This is a big roadblock for me. My editor is very critical these days. For some reason having stuff like cooking and home & garden shows on helps shut the editor up. I think the background noise distracts him without anything exciting like plot to distract me.
9. Or turn off the TV. Get rid of all distractions. I've found that a day or weekend retreat of sorts can jump start my writing productivity.
10. Try reverse psychology. Tell yourself you are not allowed to write until you clean out the closet or garage.

Good Things

It's been one year today since I bought my condo. I haven't starved or foreclosed yet, so I must be doing something right.
Last night I watched a public television special about Sesame Street. The documentary chronicled the birth of the series in Bangladesh. I found it quite moving to see how they re-conceptualize the show to address the cultural needs of each country they hope to broadcast in. It's comforting to know that Sesame Street is still around.
I treated myself to a few art supplies yesterday. I still cringe a little at spending money on something I'm not very good at, but I'm working on it. With any luck, I'll soon be able to post a photo of my latest handmade book.
The weather here is fabulous. Free air conditioning, anyone?

Current Read: Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore
Current Music: River of Dreams, Billy Joel

More About Time

On Tuesday, I mentioned that summer is half over. How is this even possible? And how is it possible that I've hardly done anything I wanted to do this summer? I did have a much needed vacation, but that's about it.
Time seems to escape me these days. Some things take a lot of time. Some things (like slow computers) waste a lot of time. I once heard that we make the time for the things that are important to us. I think I think that's true. But I also think I spend time doing some things because they are easy to cross off my list, and they are a convenient way to avoid doing the more difficult, time consuming, and important things on the list.
What's up with that?
I think people draw a lot of conclusions about us by observing the way we spend our time. I wonder what I would think about what conclusions people make about me.

Top Ten Tuesday

I struggled with what to write about for today's top 10. I have a lot to do this week, and all that "stuff" was blocking me from coming up with a creative idea for my top 10 list. So, guess what y'all get? A top 10 list of the stuff on my to do list. Perhaps not the most inspiring thing ever. But maybe one of you has some ideas that could help me get some of this stuff accomplished.

1. Come up with some written material and projects for our church's spiritual gifts program.
2. Restructure my whole program at work to meet the new state guidelines and increase our funding.
3. Create about 5 handmade books, some as therapy, some as gifts.
4. Prioritize and implement the home improvement projects I need to get to this summer, (which is nearly half over- yikes!).
5. Laundry
6. Figure out a way to get back into freelance writing. Seriously.
7. Read the 13 books I got for 15 bucks at the library sale. Hey, something fun has to make it on the list.
8. Clean up this house. Any volunteers?
9. Develop some speaking topics and materials.
10. Decide if & how I can maintain the other commitments I have that aren't on this list because they didn't make the top 10 cut.

Sharing

Sometimes we think of sharing as something that will divide and diminish the object or experience we are sharing. But some things just aren't any fun unless they are shared. As I previously mentioned, I have started watching movies on a regular basis. Since I live alone, this is generally a solitary experience. I don't mind this at all. I get to decide what I want to watch, when I want to watch it.
But some movies need to be shared to be fully experienced. I took my mom to see Evan Almighty this weekend. Nice movie, great themes I completely support seeing on the big screen, maybe not quite as funny as Bruce Almighty. Even though it was a good movie, I would not have spent the time & money to go see it were it not for the fact that I knew Mom would enjoy watching it as well.
Relationships are like that, I might not particularly like something, but I like that you like it. And that makes the experience worthwhile. Mom & I both happened to like this movie, but there have been plenty of times I have seen movies with my brother that I wasn't really fond of, but I did appreciate that he enjoyed the experience. He might even tell you the same thing is true for him.

Current Read: The Old Man and The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
Current Music: Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

Top Ten Tuesday

Well, I don't usually stick with any one routine for very long, but I figure I might as well play with this Tuesday top ten idea for a while. Last week I shared the movies on my Netflix queue. In thouroughly modern fashion, I suppose I should follow up with the top 10 songs on my iPod.
Keep in mind these are the top 10 most played songs on my iPod, and the last several months were a little on the dark & difficult side. My song list isn't usually this monochromatic, nor this depressing. It'll be interesting to see what the top 10 most played songs on my iPod are six months from now.

1. How to Save A Life, The Fray
2. Something Beautiful, Jars of Clay
3. Silence, Jars of Clay
4. These Ordinary Days, Jars of Clay
5. Window in the Skies, U2
6. Hands, Jewel
7. Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, U2
8. Pride (In the Name of Love), U2
9. Home, Rich Mullins
10. Because of This, MercyMe

Questions & Cicadas

I don't know about you, but sometimes I find myself with a lot of questions I'd like God to answer. Some of them are quite serious, and some of them are more for the sake of curiosity.
For example, our finite brains have a hard time conceptualizing what heaven will be like. Recently, I read something on this subject in a collection of Ralph Waldo Emerson's letters and essays. He was lamenting the fact that his "to be read pile" of books never seems to get smaller. So he wondered if, when when we get to heaven, we will have access to all the material we hadn't read in our lifetimes. I think this question goes to the top of my list of questions for God.
One of my longstanding questions is about cherries. I understand that part of the magnificence of God's creation is the variety. And I understand that he made each of us different, so that the things you enjoy might not be the things I enjoy. So if you like palm trees or lima beans, I can appreciate that even if palm trees or lima beans don't thrill me. What I can't understand is cherries. I know there are plenty of you out there who think cherries are perfectly lovely. But I don't get it. The whole concept of cherries being something other than a consequence of original sin and the fall of man is a mystery to me. So my next question is about cherries.
Then there's the cicadas. Have you seen these things? They are ugly. Some of the creatures on this earth are a little odd. Some, like perhaps the cockroach, are downright unattractive. But the cicada is hideous. And they only get to come out from underground every 17 years so they can... ummm... mate. These poor bugs have it worse than the penguins. Yeah, I need to ask God about what's up with the cicadas.

A Tuesday Top Ten

I recently subscribed to Netflix. I was looking for a solution to this entertainment challenge I've had for the last few years. For most of the last four years, I've been, ummm, a little busy. Until just now, I haven't had much free time for entertainment. At this point, it's become a little bit more of a priority.
Most of my current entertainment is in the form of reading, which is easy enough because I live absurdly close to a library. But since I don't have cable, I've been wanting to branch out into multimedia entertainment options.
Enter Netflix. So far, I really like it. I don't need 50 movie and TV show options 24/7. I just need the movies I want when I have time to watch them. So here's a list of the top 10 movies on my Netflix queue.

1. Mean Girls
2. Amelie
3. Amelie: Bonus material
4. Chronos
5. End of the Spear
6. Best of the Muppet Show, George Burns
7. Half Nelson
8. Shine
9. The Queen
10. The Fountain

Do You See What I See? Pt. 2

Last time I asked you readers to do an assignment. If you did your homework, you should have a sheet of paper with your name written all over it. It should be written with your non-dominant hand and overlapping in several directions so that you can hardly tell it's your name. If you haven't done that yet, you have one last chance. Go ahead, I'll wait.

OK, now I need you to go find your markers, colored pencils, or whatever you have. Steal your kids' crayons. Gather up different kinds of pens if that's what you have, blue, black, gel, ballpoint, highlighters. Now color in your art. Seriously. Any way you want. You don't need to color the whole thing. You don't need to stay in the lines. And you can use either hand for this part.

What do you see? Chances are you felt signing your name with the wrong hand was awkward and unattractive. Do you feel any differently looking at it now?
I've done this exercise with several groups of people and two main points come up. One is that your name represents you. And there it is, a work of art right in front of you. The second thing is that people often assume their non-dominant hand is less functional, less capable than the one they normally use. What makes this powerful is the process of creating something appealing and interesting with a part of ourselves we think of as inferior.
I bet you really wish you'd actually done the assignment.

Do You See What I See?

Degas said "Art is not what you see, but what you make others see." But not everyone will have the same experience of a given work of art. So is art (including writing, music, cooking, or any other creative form of expression) process based or outcome based? I keep coming back to that question about what defines art.
I think the creative process needs more than just beauty behind it. In fact, my virtual writer's "editing room floor" is littered with many a lovely turn of phrase because, while lovely, they didn't do enough work in communicating the meaning of the piece I was working on. I've heard soloists sing in church who were technically flawless, but there was something missing. For one reason or another, the passion was missing. The meaning of the work as an act of worship was lost, perhaps because the singer was distracted. There are certain photographers and painters I like because they see something I don't see, and when I see their work, I get a glimpse of that.
I bet at one time or another (maybe even right now) you've doubted your own creative potential. Maybe you instinctively knew that art is more than a bunch of notes, colors, or words together just because they're pretty. Well, I have an assignment for you.
Grab a sheet of paper. Seriously. And I know most of you reading are friends and family, so I will check up on you! Now grab a writing utensil. Using your non-dominant hand (the opposite of the one you usually write with), write your name nice & big in the middle of the paper. Now write it again somewhere else on the page. Use your full name, your nickname, any form of your name you want. Keep writing all over the page. Turn the page sideways, upside down, any way you want. It's OK if you overlap signatures. Get your page nice & full & then you can stop.
Now, I know some of you gentle readers are slackers. So I'm going to give y'all a couple days to do this first part and then I will tell you what to do next.

What Is Art?

As I was perusing an artists' magazine for inspiration, I asked myself what defines art. Actually, the question has come up quite a bit recently. Sometimes what the viewer perceives is entirely different than what the creator intended. My friend LeAnne has a wonderful blog on art. One of the main principles she discusses is that as a creative process, art connects us all to our Creator. So even if it's never seen by another person, the act of creating art has some value for the artist.
But if I create something and if fails to convey what I wanted to express, does it fail as art on that level? Or is the artistic expression dependent on some sort of background knowledge of the artist's perspective, an understanding that would share vital information on the meaning of the work?
It's a question writers also need to ask in writing for publication. The story of how my brother & I had fun putting a puzzle together last Christmas is significant to me. But unless you know me & Brian, there really isn't any meaning behind it worth sharing. It has it's place in the pages of my journal, but if I were to try to publish it the editor or reader would wonder "what's your point?"
I sometimes have a similar experience when I look at the altered books or handmade books of others. The meaning isn't clear. It's pretty. The colors work well together. The technique is admirable. But it doesn't do anything for me. The artist may have an emotional connection to a trip they took, or a conversation they had, or whatever. But it isn't communicated to me in a way that makes me care. In contrast, some altered books or handmade books clearly tell a story. I may not know the people and places in the work, but it resonates with me. As a writer, being able to bridge this gap where artistic license is used for the purpose of enhancing the story is important to me.
As writers and artists, we need to be able to discern between "cheap therapy" and a message that needs to be shared. And we need to hone our craft so that we can communicate that message effectively with others.

Current Read: The Peacemaker, Ken Sande
Current Music: American IV, Johnny Cash

Traditions

For the last several years, I have started my summer by spending at least some of Memorial Day weekend in a sort of "writing intensive." I almost didn't do it this year, but I was inspired at the last minute. I wrote a plan for my writing this summer. (Hey, if you're having a hard time writing, might as well write about writing). It was helpful in both practical and emotional ways to keep with the tradition of visiting my writing goals at the beginning of the summer. And I discovered a couple of interesting things.
I have many more styles, approaches, and forms of writing in my toolbox than I thought I did. I use each of them differently depending on how I'm feeling and what I'm trying to communicate.

• For journaling personal stuff, brain dumps, rants, and introspective stuff, I need my spiral bound notebook and my fountain pen.
• I use loose leaf paper and gel pens for brainstorming works for publication. The freedom to shuffle papers around is important here.
• When I get down to serious writing for publication, I need to be at the computer or my AlphaSmart. I think differently when I write than when I type.
• Sometimes I have something I want to write about that I'm having a hard time putting into words. I have discovered that making handmade books is quite useful for this. The creative process bypasses my verbal barrier, helping me find the words I've lost.

If I haven't written in a while, I get this restless feeling. I know that's common among writers. What I find interesting is that when I need to write in one form or style, writing in one of the other ones is only minimally effective. If I need to do some book art and I've only got my journal, that's only a bit helpful. If I need to write an article for publication and I'm not near my PC, that's not so great either. So I'm learning to ask myself why I need to write and what I need to write instead of just "writing something."

Altered Books

Altered books is a form of art whereby paint, collage, and just about any other media is used to to alter pages in a book. Sometimes pages or whole sections of pages in the book are glued together or cut out to further modify the book. Some people have a problem with this because they don't like seeing a book "destroyed." Personally, I think it's a neat way to keep a garage sale special from ending up the the garbage can.
Last week, while visiting my friend Karen in Ohio, we stopped by the local art museum. We happened upon an exhibit that included several altered books, or book sculptures by Clare Murray Adams. Karen and I had fun interpreting this series of books. Although it wasn't exactly what the artist intended, we saw the books as reflecting a writer's thoughts and feelings throughout the process of writing. Some of the books were wired shut, some had the spines ripped from the bindings, some had shredded paper spilling out from the covers.
If you struggle with writing, especially writing for publication, perhaps you can identify with either wanting to physically and dramatically alter the book or the conflicting emotions that arise when others view and possibly alter our work. Seeing this book sculpture series makes me want to keep a few old books on hand for when I feel the need to rip out some spines- umm, I mean, express my feelings on the struggles of writing.
BTW, we know our interpretation of the book series wasn't what the author intended because shortly after we arrived, she came in to brief the docents on her work. So we got to hear her lecture on her materials and process. Too cool.

Updates

If I did this correctly, My 100's should be back up on the sidebar.
I know there are some other links I still want to add, but I haven't quite gotten around to it yet.
For the record, I don't like the available formats for my post archives, but I'm not sure there's much I can do about that.
I'm in the mood to redecorate, but I'm not sure what else I want to change on the blog.
I'm just saying...

Current Read: Miracles, CS Lewis
Current Music: KLOVE

Spending Time

I know, I know. I haven't updated the blog for a few days. As a result, more than one of you has accused me of wasting time. But I wasn't wasting time, I was spending time.
Spending time is an investment. It's an intentional act. When we say we are going to spend some time doing something, we reflect the value of that on which we choose to spend the time.
For the last few days, I have spent time with a dear friend and her family. I've spent time healing. I've spent time thinking and brainstorming. I've spent time in Amish country. If you want an interesting perspective on how we invest our time, visit the Amish.
If we could spend time like we spend money, how much would it cost? Freelance professionals often calculate the value of their time by coming up with a desired income level and charging an hourly rate that reflects the work they do and the income goals they set.
There are those that say that every moment is precious, and in a sense I don't disagree with that. However, I wonder if the currency of time is more fluid than a standard hourly rate. I won't stay up late to wash dishes or other household chores. But I will stay up late to write, or update my blog, or help a friend.
Time well spent is priceless.

Wasting Time

Seen in a junk mail catalog: "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."
I just love adding a good new quote to my collection.
Of course, this truism can potentially be abused, much like anything. I'd rather waste time than pay my bills, but eventually the electric company will turn off my TV. This will severely impair my ability to waste time watching it. So at some point I need to stop wasting time and pay the bills.
However, maybe it's the Lutheran in me, but I have a hard time with the concept of wasting time. Even when I deliberately set aside time for a special treat, there's that nagging voice in the back of my head. The one that worries about productivity. The one that has the "to do" list memorized. The one that usually starts out "you should."
I think the quote means to say that if you are going to waste some time, waste it. I mean really waste it. And enjoy it. Otherwise, what's the point? Wasting a little time, with no guilt, might just make us more productive. Maybe we should waste a little time. I might even put it on my "to do" list.

What I Learned From My Mother

Today my mom invited someone over to our Mother's Day celebration. Without her invitation, this person would have spent the day alone. This got me thinking about how I learned that sort of thing from her. I learned how even if you are just stopping by to pick someone up, if you walk into our house at Christmas time, you get a gift. I learned how to pay attention to what people love but never get for themselves, and how they take their coffee so you are prepared if you ever need to get them a cup.
In light of recent events, I found this poem that highlights the things my mom taught me.

What I Learned From My Mother

Julia Kasdorf

I learned from my mother how to love

the living, to have plenty of vases on hand

in case you have to rush to the hospital

with peonies cut from the lawn, black ants

still stuck to the buds. I learned to save jars

large enough to hold fruit salad for a whole

grieving household, to cube home-canned pears

and peaches, to slice through maroon grape skins

and flick out the sexual seeds with a knife point.

I learned to attend viewings even if I didn't know

the deceased, to press the moist hands

of the living, to look into their eyes and offer

sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.

I learned that whatever we say means nothing,

what anyone will remember is that we came.

I learned to believe I had the power to ease

awful pains materially like an angel.

Like a doctor, I learned to create

from another's suffering my own usefulness, and once

you know how to do this, you can never refuse.

To every house you enter you must offer

healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,

the blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.

Didja ever?

Didja ever think you were having a bad week and then come to realize you had no idea how bad it could be? I'm not talking about real tragedy here, I'm talking about inanimate objects aligning their forces against you, everyone you know needing something not particularly urgent from you right now, and traffic jams that take the plural out of "miles per hour." That kind of bad.
My theory is that kind of bad likes a little bit of attention. Once it knows its badness has been validated, it can go be bad to someone else for a while.
So here's a few of the minor troubles the badness has inflicted on me:

• random paper cuts that go undetected until I use hand sanitizer. Ouch.
• I told a co-worker I didn't think there was anything that could improve my day. She told me all the Oreos were gone. An Oreo could have improved my day.
• There really was a traffic jam for no reason; quadrupling my commute.
• And why is it all the songs I find emotionally distressing find their way to the radio on days like this?

OK badness, you can go away now.

A Busy Week

Just a couple days after Mother's Day I will be heading out of town for a much needed vacation and visit with a dear friend. But first I have to get through this week. Last week didn't end so great & when that happens, it becomes kind of difficult to switch back into a positive frame of mind for the upcoming week. It's even more challenging because I have several meetings and assignments this week.
This is kind of a test. I've been trying to keep the commitments and obligations to a minimum while I take some time to heal from some very draining experiences. These days it takes me a little longer and a little more effort to do the things I absolutely have to do, and when I'm done with that I really just want to read, create some book art, or watch a movie.
There's not going to be a lot of time for that this week. So I need to find some shortcuts. One of the things that always makes me laugh is "For The Birds," the Pixar animated short that was released with the Monsters INC DVD. At about 3 minutes long, it fits the requirement of a shortcut to a smile. I even have it downloaded on my iPod.
So, what makes you laugh?

Current Read: The Red Tent, Anita Diamant
Current Music: In Time, REM

Why I Read Harry Potter

I'm quite a fan of the Harry Potter book series. I've enjoyed watching Harry grow up. I find his adventures touching, humorous, and even thought provoking.
This bothers some of my Christian friends.
To be honest, that bothers me.
I started reading Harry Potter after a couple of the books had come out. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And I don't believe in jumping on a bandwagon (pro or con) without firsthand knowledge of what I'm talking about. So I started reading out of curiosity and ended up falling in love with Mr. Potter.
Is it great literature? Not really. Is it Christian? Well, no. Has the author gotten a little self indulgent with her plot lines (and deadlines)? I think so. But I don't think those are the right questions and answers.
Can we learn a lot about good & evil from Harry Potter? Yes. Can we and our children relate to him as a character? Most definitely. And us writers, can we learn a bit about what it is about a book that kids crave, about what makes them come back begging to read more? I certainly hope so.
Maybe Harry Potter isn't right for some kids, or some grown-ups for that matter. Maybe the idea of "magic" is alarming. But I don't think Harry's magic is in wands or potions. I think his magic is in getting kids to read. I think it's in sharing some important truths about overcoming hardship, and choosing to live with integrity. I hope the kids who read it see that. And I hope they aren't the only ones.

Crying

The other day I was talking with some people about crying. We debated the pros & cons of crying when you’re sad. All the usual objections came up; it can be embarrassing, we want to be perceived as strong, we don’t want to lose control. Then someone said they didn’t understand the purpose of crying. After all, it doesn’t do anything to change the situation or communicate information about our experience to others. As I thought about the sometimes automatic experience of crying, I sort of understood what the person meant. Tears can come even if we’d really prefer they didn’t.
Then someone else said that we cry to express emotions that we don’t yet have words for. I believe that’s exactly right. Sometimes we just can’t use words to express our pain. The words aren’t enough.
As a writer, that’s frustrating for me. Words are not only the primary way we relate to the world, they are an important coping tool for me. And I am not a happy camper when my usual and customary coping tools don’t work. The good news is that once you’ve cried things get a little clearer. We might just need that catharsis to enable us to articulate what our pain is about and then discover if there is anything we can do about it.

A Few Observations

• I had a number of readers request that I allow comments on my blog, so I made that change a few months ago. I’ve had fewer comments on my blog than when I allowed comments only from other registered bloggers.
• Every year I forget just how wonderful the lilacs are. I keep thinking they just can’t be as fantastic as I remember them being. Every year I am really wrong about that.
• Since I don’t have cable, I sometimes feel like I’m missing out because I can’t find anything good on TV. Then I go to my parents’ house, where there are dozens more channels and I realize there still isn’t really anything good on TV most of the time.
• I can’t find anything to read. I’m just putzing around with some minor reads because I can’t find anything to read. This is unheard of for me. I was on a dark, deep, depressing reading kick for a long time. I got so stuck in that rut that now when I want to read something light & happy I find I have no idea where to even begin.

What Does This Mean?

If you remember your Luther's Small Catechism at all, hopefully the title gave you a grin.
As a writer, I have a fondness for words and their meanings. I also love metaphors, double meanings, contradictions, analogies, and anything of that sort.
Think about the word "miss." In one sense, it relates to avoiding, failing, or escaping something that is present, an appointment, a pedestrian, a ball. But the dictionary provides a second meaning with a separate entry, indicating the distinction is more significant than a variant or a slight alteration. The second meaning of "miss" is "disadvantage or regret resulting from loss."
In this case we miss something precisely because it is not, cannot, and will not be present. Big feeling for such a small word, huh?
And what about "free?" I heard someone talking the other day about how we are free. But to be free is not a "please take one" coupon kind of experience. To be free is expensive. You were bought at a great price (1st Corinthians 6:20). Freedom is fought for every day in the physical world. The value of our freedom is even more powerfully reflected in the knowledge that God considers your soul priceless.

Systems

I’m a systems person. I love discovering new plans and techniques for everything from organization to motivation to productivity. What I need is a system for sticking with my systems.
Seriously.
If you need a system for keeping the house clean and organized, Flylady works great. You just need to read the emails and actually keep up with doing what they say. Sometimes I’m better at that than other times. If you need a system for keeping accountable for your writing goals, I have plenty to choose from. The only problem is that I can’t seem to stick to any one system for very long.
I shop out new systems based on my mood and the general changes in my life circumstances. People tend to dump a system because something about it isn’t working. But I’m trying to learn what does work about each of the systems I try. Yes, I’m trying to systematize my systems. I bet there’s a pattern to what works and what doesn’t, based on the pattern of activity in my life and exactly what kinds of systems I need at a given point in time.
What kinds of systems do you like?

Housekeeping

Not long ago, my blog reached the 1,000 visitors mark. Kinda cool, even if it did take me a little bit to realize it.
I finally started adding the links back into my blog. I still haven't figured out how to get my "100's" back up in my profile, but I'm working on it.
I also joined Christian Women Online. Check them out, there's a lot of interesting stuff out there to peruse.
On a more serious note, a lot of the blogs I read have commented on the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech. I've found their thoughts to be quite profound and helpful in getting some sort of meaning out of all this for myself and the people I interact with every day. However, I chose not to post anything on this or other similar subjects widely reported in the media. I suppose the lack of current events might have a correlation with my lack of readership based on my ratings with search engines & such.
But I continue to make this choice. I do so because while it's important that we be able to share our experience of these events and help each other heal, I also think it's important to have space and time for respite from the sometimes overwhelming challenges we face every day. So I trust my fellow bloggers to say what needs to be said about current events. Hopefully, I can continue to come up with other meaningful things to share.

Gooey

The other day I was watching the special features on the Stranger Than Fiction DVD. When I really like a movie I really like to watch the special features. And I really like Stranger Than Fiction. One of the special features focused on the GUI, or graphic user interface in the movie. Harold Crick is a rather idiosyncratic person. He counts how many times he brushes each of his teeth, he knows how many steps it takes to get to the bus stop. He is very aware of his surroundings and this is represented with an animated GUI (pronounced gooey) in the movie. So we see Harold’s mental diagram of his teeth, we see him inventory the contents of drawers and cabinets. Harold’s GUI is centered on numbers, numbers in both time and space.
The creative team discussed how they came up with this particular GUI for the movie. Obviously they wanted it to be a significant point in the film, but not to the point of distraction. So they started batting around their own GUI’s. What visual images do we unconsciously (or maybe more consciously) use to relate with the world? Picture a sports fan who is perpetually late. His GUI might look like a playbook, laying out obstacles, openings in the path to the goal, offensive & defensive maneuvers. An architect might use a lot of geometry in relating spatially to the world.
I never thought about it before, but I have a GUI. (That was good to discover because I didn’t want to feel left out). And I was pleased to discover that my GUI is quite “writerly.” I free associate words and write them in my mind map. So if I ask how you are and you say “fine,” writing this word in my brain might remind me to return the library books before they are past due. My GUI looks a lot like an edited manuscript with circles, arrows, highlights, lists, and rewrites all over the place. If someone uses a word incorrectly, I rewrite the sentence in my head. (Yeah, I used to hate those people too, until I realized I was one of them).
What does your GUI look like?

Later

There’s not a lot of stuff we really have to do. When you need to, you can put an amazing amount of stuff aside to get to later. And when later comes, you might find you just don’t need to do much of that stuff at all. When you are going through an intense time period, whether it’s intensely joyous or intensely traumatic, this is a good thing to know.
If you aren’t overwhelmed by the lack of hours in the day, or the lack of general resources you have available for coping, “life’s too short” sounds a bit cliché. If you are that overwhelmed, “life’s too short” becomes the touchstone by which you prioritize your time and energy.
Another good thing to know is that the overwhelmed sensation will eventually diminish. The crisis will resolve. When it does, the trick is knowing how to retain what you learned about what’s important to you. Know how to willfully leave things undone; choose not to put some things back in your life. Intentionally exercise the decision making process of the overwhelmed. If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way to fit it into your life. If it doesn’t belong to you, if it’s someone else’s worry, or it doesn’t support your goals or the goals of those you care about, leave it for later.

Current Read: Grace (Eventually), Anne Lamott
Current Music: Speedwood, Lost and Found

Showing Vs. Telling

I know I said I’d stop with the grief talk, but there’s one more thing I wanted to mention. I’ve spent some time sharing things that are good to say when someone you know has experienced a loss. Even so, you might think it’s not the right time, or maybe you’re not sure if you are close enough to the person to be confident they’ll appreciate what you say. If that’s the case, you should know that when people are in the initial phases of grieving they often don’t remember what is said to them. They will simply remember that you were there.
Perhaps that’s why we often focus on doing things for someone who is bereaved. We can relate on some level to that helpless feeling the person is dealing with. We know they don’t have the energy to confront the day’s tasks alone. So we show up at the memorial service. We do their forgotten household repairs. We take them out for comfort food.
One of my favorite passages in literature is at the end of Tolkien’s Return of the King. Frodo has just sailed off into the West forever, leaving Sam behind. Watching the ship disappear, Sam stays on the shore with his 2 companions “far into the night, hearing only the sigh and murmur of the waves on the shores of Middle-earth, and the sound of them sank deep into his heart. Beside him stood Merry and Pippin, and they were silent.”
Even if it doesn’t seem like much, the gift of your presence may be the best thing you can provide.

Believe It or Not

A lot of people have a hard time believing in the resurrection of Jesus. It goes against what we understand about the natural world. It’s hard to explain.
Come to think of it, Good Friday is even harder to explain. Jesus willingly and knowingly suffered the ultimate penalty so we would not have to. When we read about his agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, we can see that no superhuman strength was granted to allow Him to bypass the agony of His choice. He endured all the fear, despair, and loneliness of separation from God so we would not have to.
I used to think of Good Friday as the time of somber reflection before the joyous relief of grace on Easter morning. Indeed, it is a somber time. But maybe grace didn’t wait until Easter to show up. Grace wouldn’t be real if it wasn’t hard, if it didn’t cost something. What could be harder than the work of grace accomplished on that Good Friday?
Maybe the resurrection was the easy part.

The Best Joke Ever

So this guy goes up to Joseph of Arimathea and says, “Joe, I don’t get it. You are a prominent and wealthy man. You can afford to have the best of everything. You went to such great trouble to pick out the perfect tomb for yourself, one where people would remember your honor forever. Hand hewn stone, spacious, excellent location. Why on earth would you go and give the tomb to this Jesus guy?”
Joseph replies, “Hey, it’s no big deal. He was just using it for the weekend.”

Loss

OK, one more thing and promise I’ll try to lay off the grief & loss stuff for a bit.
Dealing with loss is hard. It’s also hard to know how to help someone dealing with loss. Part of the problem is loss is universal. We are confronted with our own mortality when we choose to relate with the bereaved. And death sets up the most helpless of situations. It is irreversible. It’s not something most of us choose for ourselves, and certainly it is not something that those of us left behind wanted for our loved one. Tolerating that kind of sorrow in those we care about is tough. There is not a whole lot we can do to “make it better.”
Recently one of my friends went beyond expressing condolences or sympathy. She entered into the experience with me and allowed it to be what it was in all its helpless, hopeless awfulness. She said “I’m sad for you and I’m sad with you.”
That’s it. She didn’t try to fix it. She didn’t shy away from it. She didn’t just acknowledge it. She chose to be with me in it.
Because she was able to give me that gift, I had the strength to then share the same thing with another friend who also recently experienced a loss.
“I’m sad for you and I’m sad with you” should go on the list of good things to say when someone is coping with loss.

Bereavement

Today we enter Holy Week, which culminates in the death and resurrection of Jesus. This is an emotional time of year for me, as I reflect on how Christ took on our humanity to the extent that he experienced death and the ultimate suffering of separation from God. Because I am mourning my own recent loss, this year it is especially helpful for me to know that Jesus knew something about the experience of death.
But recently a friend pointed out a different passage than the ones about the crucifixion. I’ve heard the story many times before. Yet I now have a deeper understanding of the meaning. It’s the story of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus. My friend told me Jesus wept at Lazarus’ tomb because of his love for Lazarus, love that He did not withdraw even at the expense of his own sorrow. He didn’t pull away or try to sidestep the loss with an early intervention. Jesus not only understands death, He understands grief. The real miracle that day may have been His willingness to experience bereavement, even though He didn’t have to. In that, He gives us hope of eternal life, He gives us an example of comfort, and He gives us understanding in our sadness.
When someone has suffered a loss, the story of Jesus weeping at Lazarus’ tomb should also go on the list of good things to say.

Grief 101

A few weeks ago I wrote that I pay attention when I hear or see reference to something from 3 different sources in quick succession. At that time, this was rather frightening, because the reference in question was the passage in Luke stating that of those who have been given much, much will be expected. If you knew how blessed I am, you’d be scared too.
Well, it happened again. This time, I received a card, and a meditation, and read a book referring to the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume before his crucifixion. Jesus says that Mary has done a beautiful thing for Him, in preparation for His burial. In Mark’s version of the story, He also says “she has done what she could.”
To be honest, when people quote lots of verses on how much better things are in heaven, it can seem like they are forgetting that it’s those of us left behind who are struggling. Yes, things are better for our loved ones in heaven. And yes, it is still hard for us here on earth, especially without our loved ones.
Whether it is realistic or not, guilt is part of the grief process. The “what if” game is just part of the territory. That’s the kind of tough stuff we don’t really know how to respond to when trying to comfort someone who has suffered a loss. We often don't know what to say in the face of such distress.
The story of the woman who did “what she could” ought to go on the list of good things to say.

DNA

This is pretty cool. Thanks to Cris from the Chat 'n' Chew Cafe for having it on her blog first. Nifty.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Feedblitz

Well, the good news is I have Feedblitz on my blog now. So you just need to sign up if you want my posts emailed to you instead of having to check the blog every few days to see if I've made any updates.
The bad news is that in order to get Feedblitz, I had to update to the new blogger template. As I mentioned before, this "upgrade" causes one to lose much of the work they've already invested in the blog. I don't like the way my blog looks now. And while it seems like I'll be able to restore it to close to how it looked before, it won't be the same. And it will take time.
Most notably, I've lost my links. You know, the links I told you to investigate earlier in the week while I took a few days off. Yeah, those disappeared. Kind of a mean trick, huh?
Anyway, sign up for my Feedblitz feed. It'll make your life easier and it'll make me feel popular.

From the Bookpile

I need to take a few days off from blogging. In the meantime, I suggest you visit some of my fellow bloggers and favorite websites as listed in my sidebar.
Also, here’s a bit more information on some of the things in my waiting to be read pile, just in case your own waiting to be read pile is growing a little short.
Glimpses of Grace, Madeline L’Engle- A great daily devotional compiled from some of her previous writings. Excellent stuff to chew on here.
Unfinished Tales of Middle Earth, JRR Tolkien- Because these stories are in various stages of completion and edited by Mr. Tolkien’s son, Christopher, you get more than a collection of stories. You get a peek into his actual writing process. There’s information on the circumstances under which the stories were written and notes on other plot ideas & versions Mr. Tolkien considered. I could go on...
A Grief Observed, CS Lewis- I’ve read this book before, most recently just a few months ago. But reading after having suffered a loss is like reading it for the first time. Actually, it’s a bit like having CS Lewis in my head. Intense, but oddly validating and comforting.
There’s more in my pile, but I haven’t started most of it yet. I hope to be back soon.

Silence

Take, take til there’s nothing. Nothing to turn to. Nothing when you get through. Break, scatter pieces of all I’ve been. Bowing to all I’ve been running to. Where are You? Where are You?
Did You leave me unbreakable? Leave me frozen? I never felt so cold, I though You were silent. And I thought You left me for the wreckage and the waste on an empty beach of faith.
Was it true?
'Cause I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Scream, deeper I want to scream. I want You to hear me. I want You to find me. I want to believe. But all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone.
I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Yeah, Yeah, I, I got a question. I got a question. Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?
Where are You?

Silence, Jars of Clay

The Greatest of These

I know this woman who is dying. I’ve watched her faith be shaken by what she doesn’t understand. I’ve watched the passing of time steal hope from her day by day. As things get more intense and complicated, I’ve wondered what can possibly make this better? The questions are unanswerable. The suffering is intolerable. No matter how kind or helpful or understanding I am, she will still die. What is left?
It’s amazing how the most difficult questions have the simplest answers. Faith and hope are failing, but “the greatest of these is love.”
OK. I can do that. I pray that it’s enough.

“But tears of grief cannot repay the debt of love I owe. Here, Lord, I give myself away, it’s all that I can do.” Alas, and Did My Savior Bleed.

Current Read: Unfinished Tales of Middle Earth, JRR Tolkien (it’s so good!)
Current Music: Blasphemous Rumors, Depeche Mode

A Rainbow

Right after I moved, I spent some time visiting my friend Deb in AZ. I was pretty burned out and looking forward to a change of scenery and some down time with my good friend. One thing I loved was the pace of our days. That was partially due to the fact that Deb was quite great with child and neither one of us was able to tolerate the heat very well. That suited me just fine. It was great to have a vacation and not worry about keeping up or dragging someone behind. It felt very nurturing.
Another nurturing thing about it was, well, the simple fact that I was nurtured. Deb even remembered that I love chocolate chip pancakes. And the dogs, what love fiends those guys are. Deb took great pains to see to it that I saw a variety of sites & got a lot of great pictures. She really wanted me to have a good time, & that in itself meant a lot to me.
The return travel home after a vacation is usually less than nurturing, especially when one is flying through O’Hare. On the day I came home, there was a storm at O’Hare & we were delayed in the air a bit. By the time I got home, the rain slowed to a drizzle and the sun was coming out. I saw the quality of the light and I just knew there was a rainbow waiting to welcome me home. I dropped my stuff and walked directly out to my balcony. And since I had just been traveling, I had my camera handy. So I have pictures. It’s a pretty great rainbow, even if the rest of the scenery isn’t as fabulous as where Deb lives. Even though I had to return to the real world, it was a great reminder of the beautiful stuff all around us.
It’s photographic evidence of grace.

Do You Have the Time?

A couple weeks ago I was walking to a friend’s house after we’d gotten a few inches of snow. That probably requires a bit of description for you to get a good mental picture. For me to walk in the snow requires that I use crutches, which are a bit more cumbersome & slower. Furthermore, in my neighborhood, a shoveled sidewalk is defined as a path the width of one snow shovel. So where normally 3 people could walk abreast, one person can only fit now. If said person is taking up even more space with the use of crutches, it gets really crowded and difficult to manage who gets to pass & how & when.
About ten paces from the street, I pass a building a woman has just exited. She quickly approaches behind me and sighs, clears her throat, and sighs again. Now five paces from the street where there is wide berth for passing, it is clear she wants me to step into the snow so she can pass. Stifling my questions on the etiquette here, I step into the snow. She passes, breaking into a run. Briefly, I assumed she was on an urgent mission. However, the run lasted only 15 seconds; about the length of time she was held up by my slower progress. My bemused chagrin was interrupted by a flash of red out of the corner of my eye. The season’s first cardinal landed on a nearby tree, and he greeted me with a chirp before moving on.
It’s a shame she missed it.

Career Day

I participated in my high school’s career day today. This is the 2nd year I’ve come back to speak there. I was shocked to hear from an old classmate that this is the year of our 15th reunion. I’m the kind of person who, until recently, hasn’t really been back to high school since I graduated. I think that’s because I focused a lot of energy on moving forward and I needed the distance from that time in my life to keep that forward motion.
I’m glad it wasn’t a case of never being able to “go home” again though. I think I was able to put some things in perspective in a way I would not have been able to do if I’d remained more connected with the people, places, and things from high school. It was neat to revisit that time in my life. The timing of how these things works out is interesting to me.
Who I was isn’t who I am now. But who I was is a piece of who I am. When we wonder where we belong in life, we can look back on the places we have belonged in the past and be reassured that God has a plan for where we belong.

More About Names

I’ve never been overly fond of my name. Sorry Mom & Dad, but it’s true. There’s no particular reason I don’t like it. There’s no other name I’ve got my heart set on. The name I have just doesn’t particularly excite me.
I’ve been thinking about how people in Biblical times often changed their names after life changing experiences. I’m undergoing one of those experiences right now. I’m learning a lot about grace. I’m learning that everything I have and everything I am has been gifted to me. There’s no reason for any of the goodness in my life except for grace.
Compare that with the circumstances of many of the people I encounter every day. Lives destroyed by broken relationships, hopelessness, and all manner of life’s hurts. Hurts that exceed the resources some people have available for mending. People I walk by every day. People who try my patience. People who violate my trust. People who wound my pride. These are the people who change me. People who need acceptance, understanding, and compassion.
In Hebrew, my name means “Grace.” I think I need to live up to the name I have before I go trying to get a new one.